Sypnoses of the past weeks... ...
16 August 2006, Tuesday
Alone or Lonely?
Voila! The opening of my first online journal. Now, I refuse to acknowledge this as a blog. I mean what the hell is a blog actually? Does it even abbreviate something? Does it signify anything? Go figure! I do not know. And perhaps, I choose not to know. Whatever it is, this commenced my virgin sail to the world of my journal… …
To be honest, I have been wanting to start this habit of penning my thoughts since ages ago, but the lazy devil in me just could not leave me alone. In fact, lazy devil, if you noticed, has just left me and that explains the first page of my life story. I have to attribute to Loneliness too. This is what probably triggered me to type out my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions into words and sentences. Loneliness, as I start to realize and comprehend, is something which everyone would fear as we age. This would not be the first time I felt it, but this would probably be the first time I have been hit and affected by it largely. Scrambling thoughts tell me that being single has its pros, but now, they tell me that the cons are outweighing the pros. Besides, knodding my head and could not agree more is the truth that my circle of friends are reducing and if not, standing still. Stagnant. Friends getting married, attached and so not available for a cup of tea over the weekends, no more. Slowly and analyzing it theoretically, this is the osmosis of life. It is a cycle, a chain of what God’s creations are meant to be. In my glorious days, I would be asked for a movie, to spend the day at a café and get my life wasted with kakis. But now, I am getting wasted alone, and lonely I felt. I debated myself that I am not alone, but lonely. I was wrong. This emotional factor sets into me lately, and I realized I am alone and lonely. Do not get me wrong, I am not faulting anyone for ignoring this old friend, but it is more about myself. About Ah Beng. A close friend made a comment recently on why am I still single and available when I have good conduct, and also a good pretty face (thanks, but yucks!). He expects the least too that even if I was gay, I ought to be attached somehow. But, negative. His remark was fair. I asked myself repeatedly on his statement too. I cannot figure out why. Everyone around me says I am too closeted and I should let go and infuse myself more than it is now. More often than not, I questioned myself about my exposure too. I am not a homey either, or am I? Certainly I do go out at times with friends, but as it is, and truth hurts, I never caught anyone’s attention I guess. Hmmm… could it be my country dressing? My outdated hairstyle? Well, there could be many contributors to this. It is endless even to think about it. So I stick with my own dressing and be the way Ah Beng has always been for the past 28 good old years. “Lady” luck has yet to reach me I guess. I shall wait till the day when She finally finds her way into my heart…… The She-Day.
19 August 2006, Saturday, 1.51am
What were you thinking?!
Premiere outing with my colleagues this evening. It was not really something that was planned. Rather, it was a sequel right after a housewarming session at a colleague’s. It was fun. I could not agree more that this bevy of beautiful colleagues are a good bunch to be with. In fact, I think my Division is one of the most formidable Division i ever experienced. Very invincible colleagues with very intelligent capabilities. I truly had a good evening, well spent. I just have to bring up this topic of the unpleasant incident I had at the office’s elevator lobby. Just as the lift door opened, a principal-looked lady was already in the lift, as I stepped in and hold the door open while another colleague was dashing for it, the principal locked her eyes at me and raised her voice, ‘Do you know I’m already in a hurry?” Geez, I wish I can do a telepathy or get a premonition before I enter the lift. I mean am I supposed to know that she was in hurry? Was it necessary to blow up just because the time was clicking away? What really bothers me most is the fact that she is a staff of STB, ie, that makes her a colleague of mine! Does she not feel a sense of shame by raising her voice at her fellow colleague and who eventually “gin” at me? Holy cow! Honestly, if I were to know her designation, say a manager or senior officer, I might have gnawed and even torn her apart. Hmm, or maybe a sharpened pencil up her clitoris! Ouch! Seriously. Speaking about time is clicking away, this brings me to the subject of how amazing one can utilize his time fully, packing activities back to back and exhaust every seconds. Impressive? Not at all. I would think this is more like a behaviour of dire straits. But who am I to judge how one spends his valuable hour? A friend of mine has this extraordinary capability of achieving that, and this also means fewer hours of beauty sleep. I do not think that I can ever attain that level of sacrificial of sleep. Anyways, I was rather hurt by this friend recently. Let us just call him A. Maybe I was too sentimental or perhaps, too philosophical, somehow my intended well wishes were misread to sending him to hell. This text message was meant to be an encouragement for him to stay positive in his up coming in-camp training. He took the message otherwise, and replied promptly that he felt that I was sending him to hell. I was appalled. More than astonishment. His first thought that came to his mind was actually a friend who sent him his way to hell? Was that what he really thinks his friend would do? Let me drive this message across, and opinionatedly speaking, I do believe the first response of what you said is actually a reflection of what you feel and think. I might be wrong in what I believe, but how wrong can this believe get? Is this what he thinks would savage a relationship with holes of uncertainties? He fails to see what we already had seen through him. Aside, sacarsm is so not needed here if you wish to plaster the holes of a failed friendship. Instead, to rekindle, you need that tiny bit of spark, that morsel bit of faith and hope to piece everything altogether; and not dropping a bombshell of spikes to aggravate the tear. He should know too what is going through this mud track, and to really mend it to a concrete cemented path, he has to equip himself a bucket of conviction and acceptance. If not, the track will remain as filthy and messy each time it rains. I am too brain exhaustive to think of ways to reconcile this friendship, guess the only way is to leave things as it is. May the Light shows us the path one day……
22 August 2006, Tuesday, 11.41pm
Parenting
How I wish I can do this more often. But how is this possible when my nights are always filled with activities: 2 weeknights are already used up for gym, one for French, and one probably is the only one that I can rest at ease on Monday nights. Anyways, today was a hectic Tuesday. Meetings packed back to back, leaving little time to clear emails. What’s new actually? A bad news wrapped up my day when Stanley text me to inform that my niece (Carissa) has contacted hand foot & mouth disease, and she was running a temperature at 38.8 degrees in the early evening. As if this is not traumatising enough, she has to be quarantined for a week till next Tuesday. Poor baby. She must be in pain. This also means my mom could not shop over this weekend since Bryant (my nephew) is refrained from going any inch nearer to his twin sister. Mom has been deprived of her leisure moments for the past 2 weekends since my sister-in-law had to work then. Guess this will be the 3rd burned weekend looking after Bryant and also the 3rd weekend of Bryant’s for missing home. To keep Mom accompany for the past 2 weekends, I took the decision to stay with her instead of chilling out with friends. I could have done some shopping, downed dozens of coke or beer, caught some movies to waste my weekends away, but I did not. It was not imperative for me to make such filial move. But I figured Mom should not face such loneliness and aloneness at this golden prime age. On the contrary, she should be enjoying her life now than to waste time changing diapers and feeding milk to her grandchild. For this weekend, we will see. I have been told to apply leave day for this Friday to bring Bryant to his Doctor’s appointment again. When Bryant grows up, I hope and wish he can feel the love and sacrifice that we made for him. I never knew bringing up a child can be so taxing, only but to realize now. Though Bryant is my nephew, I can already feel the strain of balancing work, friends and personal life with him being part of my life. My parents must have gone through the same phase when we were crawling. Kudos to Mom and Dad. I had never heard them utter a word of unhappiness watching us grow up to who we are now. They have also brought us up well. Good mannerism, good conduct and good personalities, at least I think. I am proud of Woon Beng, and also my parents.
23 August 2006, Wednesday, 9.57pm
MIAs
This is one of the few rare Wednesday nights that I spend time at home, especially at this hour – after shower and hot dinner. Alliance Francaise is having the term break before the next lesson(and also the last for elementary lessons) commences next Wednesday. How I treasure this moment at home. Since I had the chance of heading home straight after work, I made a detour to the library. Borrowed a novel and a couple of travel guides on New Zealand. Yes, I have plans to travel to NZ late this year. It is still pretty much in its infancy stage of planning, but I do hope that it will materialize. If it does, I may just decide never to come back and be a peasant there. I wish! Reality bites, but I am not ruling out that possibility should I chance an opportunity. So much hearsays about NZ, about its scenery, its kiwi, its maori culture…… I am now ready to set foot there to eye these amazing elements that made up the authentic NZ. Boy, I am really getting nicotinized to this journal thingy. It not only expresses my inner feelings, it also exercises my fingers. I can actually feel my fingers working out, as if doing a marathon race of 10 click when I just keep tapping on the keyboard. This is real fun. These technologies are really amazing, and it never fails me to think how the world has evolved and revolved over the past 2 decades. When I was young, I would never have expected that I can be reached by just a phone call away. I no longer have to search for a public phone box to call home, or even to return call to whoever who paged for me. My first cell phone was actually a gift. That was when I was still in my poly days. Errh….wow, just by typing the word “poly”, many faces and names flashed across my head. Donny! I do not know why, but this name suddenly appeared right before me. Donny used to be my best friend, someone whom I have been trying to locate too actually. A millionaire’s son who has absolute no air. Towering tall and dashing looks were my description of him, and oh yes, he was my junior in poly. Last heard was he had gone Switzerland to further his studies and also to be with his lover. How sweet. But since then, he just disappeared into thin air. Really. No news, nothing. He used to an intern in a company where my soul mate Emily was in. I totally agree that the world is small and could not be any smaller. He is really someone whom I can feel his sincerity and honesty. Emily and myself tried sources to track his location but somehow it always brought us to a dead end. So we gave up. Donny aside, there was another person whom just MIAed without any signs nor traces - Lesli. This chap was retrenched from Mount Faber a few years back, where he probably pledged his loyalty with. I really could not fathom why would they boot out someone with such strong credentials and also good personality. He rang me once when he was retrenched, I was rather alarmed to learn of his retrenchment but I remembered vaguely that I only chatted some minutes with him and I hung up. I was with my other group of friends at Mustafa. Since then, I never heard from him. I tried to call him but to no avail. Left him voice messages, text him, all but nothing came back to me. I figured he might be mad at me for not lending a listening ear when he needed one most. I really gave myself a mental tight slap each time when I recall the moment when he wanted to unload his heavy chest of grievances at work. I feel bad. I never forget the day when Lesli accompanied me to the eye specialist when I was in my bad shape. He was there for me. But some how, I forgot his kindness and repaid him with a deaf ear. I could not forgive myself for losing a friend like Lesli, not even till today. I braved myself one final day when I was heading to work, I picked up the cell and called him but to realize his number was no longer in use. Touch wood, but I am always fearful of those people in my life whom just disappeared for no reason. Sounds weird, but I always look out for them at the obituaries. I mean no harm nor am I wishing/hoping to send anyone to hell (which as mentioned in an earlier chapter, one of my friends actually thought I was), but I am just concern about their well-being. In any case, I sincerely wish both Lesli and Donny well. Spiritually, I wish them all the best in whichever corner they are in. Speaking about spiritually, I met a couple of Gideons preaching in the train today. In fact, I was ever approached once. I wonder what are their real mission? To poach or to coach. Minding my business, but what do they really get out of this? Do they really attain some kind of satisfaction? Their love for God is so strong that they are traveling miles to spread the gospel. How encouraging. This is something which I, being an Asian would not be able to comprehend the profound theory of philosophy, in fact would I find it rather an idiosyncrasy instead? My colleague who is leaving the Board talked about euStress at today's lunch. Boy, it is either I am too tired or I am too complacent that I have never felt that neutral stress for a long time……
25 August 2006, Friday, 11.33pm
Paranormal abilities
Received a bad news in the morning about Carissa being admitted to hospital due to her illness yesterday. Poor girl rejected feeding and showing signs of dehydration. It was heart wrenching to know that she was actually on drips since she was not able to consume through feeding. Anyway, she is getting better, so I heard. She is now able to fall asleep without much difficulty and able to feed from bottle. Good to know. So today ended up another day of Uncle duty: bringing nephew to the clinic for his follow-up on his neck physio. Showing signs of improvement, according to the Doctor. That aside, the rest of the day was pretty much spending time drifting. Boy, I have been following the TV serial ‘Ghost Whisperer’, and it never fails to warm my heart and brings tears to my cheeks in every episode. Those stories told were so surreal, so incredibly touching. Each episode tells how Melinda Gordon (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt) who was gifted with the ability to see earth-bound spirits, helps them to move on. She really shines in this drama. I always associate her acting skills as drama and exaggerating, but man, she really really proves me wrong when her hidden acting talents emerged in this serial. Erhh…. Not doing a TV serial critics here, but I thought this show is something which is so worth spending that hour glued to the couch and plant my eyes on the TV screen. Sometimes I wonder if I can handle so well like Melinda if I have the same ability. Not that I wish I could, but about the strong belief in yourself in helping ‘the others’ to see the light. Of course, you may tell me this is all about movie scripts, and story spinning, but I am certain that some one out there in this planet must have this ‘gift’ too. Wonder how they are coping with it. Never mind me, sometimes I just like to think of the impossibles. Well well, time check, 11:51pm. Shall keep this chapter rather a short one. You may not know, but it has been my 2005 new year resolution to wake up early in the morning so that I can be punctual to work and also to shed that extra kilos of trans fats on the track field over weekend mornings. This is something which till date, I never achieved. So much about timing my alarm clock each night before turning in, but it clearly did not help at all. Hopeless moi. So, just what is it in me that is keeping me to wake up when the alarm buzz? Go figure. Anyway, I am targeting to peel open my eyes tomorrow morning at 6:51am and get my feet to the ground and head for the track field. Ambitious, but I am going to take whatever it takes to fulfil that. Hopefully. No, I ought to say, I must. The battery is running critically low anyway. It is the sign I guess. So goodnight, and I shall tell you if I do make it for the morning to breathe in the first class crisp air! ciao…
27 August 2006, Sunday, 12.16am
Naturally
Fiasco. My head rules over my mind and body apparently. I failed to crawl out of bed at 6.51am. Gosh, am I really hopeless? Why was it that I was able to do so back in my Wing Tai days? I was not coerced nor was I held at gunpoint. Let us just say that I am pure lazy. I need motivation perhaps. Support from a someone who has yet to open my window of darkness? Sigh, period. Alas, this evening we picked the annual Christmas draw. This was not the first few years of draw, but I was still getting the vibes each time when the names were thrown on the table for the pick. Is this natural? Hmm, natural? The root word for naturally. The second half of the evening was spent talking on naturally; as defined in dictionary, it is an adjective that means ‘logically’ or obviously. Are certain behaviours naturally the way it is unspoken? Are they the way they are to be understood logically? Philosophically speaking, in another words, opinionatedly speaking, naturally to me is something which is probably an agreement which is mutually consented without making any prior establishment of common understanding. Does each of us then have the same wavelength of common understanding of what is naturally and what is not? With such complexity in human minds, i can say that I do not agree in taking things for granted that things happen naturally. Things happen for a reason, and when that happens, there is an underlying cause that made the thing happened. So ultimately, it is the cause that creates naturally. Surely, cause does not equate naturally. Oh man, so what causes me to be so analytical into the true meanings of words at this moment. Just say that I am now in my bitchy mode. Does bitchyness then equate to I-will-be-analytical naturally? No, bitchyness only creates grouchiness in me but it does not mean that I will be analytical naturally. Profound, but when it comes to toying of word, I find it rather interesting instead. But look, whatever it is, these are all just interpretations of the meaning of words by oneself. The way one person perceives does not always patches the way another person perceives. The debates of perceptions and reception of human mind sets are infinity with no conclusion. We shall never take it for granted that what you think is natural to you and is natural to me too. Now, may I ask who gives you the right to tell me how the way I should be thinking indirectly? Hmm……food for thoughts, and time to sleep over it, erm… … naturally?… …
28 August 2006, Monday, 9.37pm
Sex deficiency
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … !!! !!!!!!!!
30 August 2006, Wednesday, 11.23pm
The Zara Tie
So, now I know how disease can be that formidable and that toxic. Lily just got infected with Foot, Hand and Mouth Disease, the sequel to Carrisa. Just when we (me and mom) thought we could have this weekend for our own outings, Bryant will be staying over the weekend again (1 straight month). This made me realized how lethal these viruses are. I can never fathom how SARS was spread like wild fire in year 2003, somehow, this FHM Disease answered my comprehension of how all this saga affected the entire planet back then. Oh, I kind of lost my train of thoughts; wanted to raise a topic but it slipped my mind. Paused…. (2 mins) Ah… yes! I remember now. I emptied hundred over bucks over at Zara’s. Was meant to get a tie and I ended up getting a tie and a shirt. Chee bye man! Well, I am supposed to guard my dollars and cents in preparation for my New Zealand trip in November/December. 100 odds. I could have used the same amount for 2 nights stay in Christchurch. Argh…move on dude, it cannot be undone now. I really cannot wait to materialize a trip to somewhere. I badly needed one; just need to get away from my heaps of logs at 1 Cuscaden Road. Ooooooh.... my sleepy eyes are swearing at me to give them a rest for the night… I shall keep it short this evening then…. zzzzzz
Alone or Lonely?
Voila! The opening of my first online journal. Now, I refuse to acknowledge this as a blog. I mean what the hell is a blog actually? Does it even abbreviate something? Does it signify anything? Go figure! I do not know. And perhaps, I choose not to know. Whatever it is, this commenced my virgin sail to the world of my journal… …
To be honest, I have been wanting to start this habit of penning my thoughts since ages ago, but the lazy devil in me just could not leave me alone. In fact, lazy devil, if you noticed, has just left me and that explains the first page of my life story. I have to attribute to Loneliness too. This is what probably triggered me to type out my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions into words and sentences. Loneliness, as I start to realize and comprehend, is something which everyone would fear as we age. This would not be the first time I felt it, but this would probably be the first time I have been hit and affected by it largely. Scrambling thoughts tell me that being single has its pros, but now, they tell me that the cons are outweighing the pros. Besides, knodding my head and could not agree more is the truth that my circle of friends are reducing and if not, standing still. Stagnant. Friends getting married, attached and so not available for a cup of tea over the weekends, no more. Slowly and analyzing it theoretically, this is the osmosis of life. It is a cycle, a chain of what God’s creations are meant to be. In my glorious days, I would be asked for a movie, to spend the day at a café and get my life wasted with kakis. But now, I am getting wasted alone, and lonely I felt. I debated myself that I am not alone, but lonely. I was wrong. This emotional factor sets into me lately, and I realized I am alone and lonely. Do not get me wrong, I am not faulting anyone for ignoring this old friend, but it is more about myself. About Ah Beng. A close friend made a comment recently on why am I still single and available when I have good conduct, and also a good pretty face (thanks, but yucks!). He expects the least too that even if I was gay, I ought to be attached somehow. But, negative. His remark was fair. I asked myself repeatedly on his statement too. I cannot figure out why. Everyone around me says I am too closeted and I should let go and infuse myself more than it is now. More often than not, I questioned myself about my exposure too. I am not a homey either, or am I? Certainly I do go out at times with friends, but as it is, and truth hurts, I never caught anyone’s attention I guess. Hmmm… could it be my country dressing? My outdated hairstyle? Well, there could be many contributors to this. It is endless even to think about it. So I stick with my own dressing and be the way Ah Beng has always been for the past 28 good old years. “Lady” luck has yet to reach me I guess. I shall wait till the day when She finally finds her way into my heart…… The She-Day.
19 August 2006, Saturday, 1.51am
What were you thinking?!
Premiere outing with my colleagues this evening. It was not really something that was planned. Rather, it was a sequel right after a housewarming session at a colleague’s. It was fun. I could not agree more that this bevy of beautiful colleagues are a good bunch to be with. In fact, I think my Division is one of the most formidable Division i ever experienced. Very invincible colleagues with very intelligent capabilities. I truly had a good evening, well spent. I just have to bring up this topic of the unpleasant incident I had at the office’s elevator lobby. Just as the lift door opened, a principal-looked lady was already in the lift, as I stepped in and hold the door open while another colleague was dashing for it, the principal locked her eyes at me and raised her voice, ‘Do you know I’m already in a hurry?” Geez, I wish I can do a telepathy or get a premonition before I enter the lift. I mean am I supposed to know that she was in hurry? Was it necessary to blow up just because the time was clicking away? What really bothers me most is the fact that she is a staff of STB, ie, that makes her a colleague of mine! Does she not feel a sense of shame by raising her voice at her fellow colleague and who eventually “gin” at me? Holy cow! Honestly, if I were to know her designation, say a manager or senior officer, I might have gnawed and even torn her apart. Hmm, or maybe a sharpened pencil up her clitoris! Ouch! Seriously. Speaking about time is clicking away, this brings me to the subject of how amazing one can utilize his time fully, packing activities back to back and exhaust every seconds. Impressive? Not at all. I would think this is more like a behaviour of dire straits. But who am I to judge how one spends his valuable hour? A friend of mine has this extraordinary capability of achieving that, and this also means fewer hours of beauty sleep. I do not think that I can ever attain that level of sacrificial of sleep. Anyways, I was rather hurt by this friend recently. Let us just call him A. Maybe I was too sentimental or perhaps, too philosophical, somehow my intended well wishes were misread to sending him to hell. This text message was meant to be an encouragement for him to stay positive in his up coming in-camp training. He took the message otherwise, and replied promptly that he felt that I was sending him to hell. I was appalled. More than astonishment. His first thought that came to his mind was actually a friend who sent him his way to hell? Was that what he really thinks his friend would do? Let me drive this message across, and opinionatedly speaking, I do believe the first response of what you said is actually a reflection of what you feel and think. I might be wrong in what I believe, but how wrong can this believe get? Is this what he thinks would savage a relationship with holes of uncertainties? He fails to see what we already had seen through him. Aside, sacarsm is so not needed here if you wish to plaster the holes of a failed friendship. Instead, to rekindle, you need that tiny bit of spark, that morsel bit of faith and hope to piece everything altogether; and not dropping a bombshell of spikes to aggravate the tear. He should know too what is going through this mud track, and to really mend it to a concrete cemented path, he has to equip himself a bucket of conviction and acceptance. If not, the track will remain as filthy and messy each time it rains. I am too brain exhaustive to think of ways to reconcile this friendship, guess the only way is to leave things as it is. May the Light shows us the path one day……
22 August 2006, Tuesday, 11.41pm
Parenting
How I wish I can do this more often. But how is this possible when my nights are always filled with activities: 2 weeknights are already used up for gym, one for French, and one probably is the only one that I can rest at ease on Monday nights. Anyways, today was a hectic Tuesday. Meetings packed back to back, leaving little time to clear emails. What’s new actually? A bad news wrapped up my day when Stanley text me to inform that my niece (Carissa) has contacted hand foot & mouth disease, and she was running a temperature at 38.8 degrees in the early evening. As if this is not traumatising enough, she has to be quarantined for a week till next Tuesday. Poor baby. She must be in pain. This also means my mom could not shop over this weekend since Bryant (my nephew) is refrained from going any inch nearer to his twin sister. Mom has been deprived of her leisure moments for the past 2 weekends since my sister-in-law had to work then. Guess this will be the 3rd burned weekend looking after Bryant and also the 3rd weekend of Bryant’s for missing home. To keep Mom accompany for the past 2 weekends, I took the decision to stay with her instead of chilling out with friends. I could have done some shopping, downed dozens of coke or beer, caught some movies to waste my weekends away, but I did not. It was not imperative for me to make such filial move. But I figured Mom should not face such loneliness and aloneness at this golden prime age. On the contrary, she should be enjoying her life now than to waste time changing diapers and feeding milk to her grandchild. For this weekend, we will see. I have been told to apply leave day for this Friday to bring Bryant to his Doctor’s appointment again. When Bryant grows up, I hope and wish he can feel the love and sacrifice that we made for him. I never knew bringing up a child can be so taxing, only but to realize now. Though Bryant is my nephew, I can already feel the strain of balancing work, friends and personal life with him being part of my life. My parents must have gone through the same phase when we were crawling. Kudos to Mom and Dad. I had never heard them utter a word of unhappiness watching us grow up to who we are now. They have also brought us up well. Good mannerism, good conduct and good personalities, at least I think. I am proud of Woon Beng, and also my parents.
23 August 2006, Wednesday, 9.57pm
MIAs
This is one of the few rare Wednesday nights that I spend time at home, especially at this hour – after shower and hot dinner. Alliance Francaise is having the term break before the next lesson(and also the last for elementary lessons) commences next Wednesday. How I treasure this moment at home. Since I had the chance of heading home straight after work, I made a detour to the library. Borrowed a novel and a couple of travel guides on New Zealand. Yes, I have plans to travel to NZ late this year. It is still pretty much in its infancy stage of planning, but I do hope that it will materialize. If it does, I may just decide never to come back and be a peasant there. I wish! Reality bites, but I am not ruling out that possibility should I chance an opportunity. So much hearsays about NZ, about its scenery, its kiwi, its maori culture…… I am now ready to set foot there to eye these amazing elements that made up the authentic NZ. Boy, I am really getting nicotinized to this journal thingy. It not only expresses my inner feelings, it also exercises my fingers. I can actually feel my fingers working out, as if doing a marathon race of 10 click when I just keep tapping on the keyboard. This is real fun. These technologies are really amazing, and it never fails me to think how the world has evolved and revolved over the past 2 decades. When I was young, I would never have expected that I can be reached by just a phone call away. I no longer have to search for a public phone box to call home, or even to return call to whoever who paged for me. My first cell phone was actually a gift. That was when I was still in my poly days. Errh….wow, just by typing the word “poly”, many faces and names flashed across my head. Donny! I do not know why, but this name suddenly appeared right before me. Donny used to be my best friend, someone whom I have been trying to locate too actually. A millionaire’s son who has absolute no air. Towering tall and dashing looks were my description of him, and oh yes, he was my junior in poly. Last heard was he had gone Switzerland to further his studies and also to be with his lover. How sweet. But since then, he just disappeared into thin air. Really. No news, nothing. He used to an intern in a company where my soul mate Emily was in. I totally agree that the world is small and could not be any smaller. He is really someone whom I can feel his sincerity and honesty. Emily and myself tried sources to track his location but somehow it always brought us to a dead end. So we gave up. Donny aside, there was another person whom just MIAed without any signs nor traces - Lesli. This chap was retrenched from Mount Faber a few years back, where he probably pledged his loyalty with. I really could not fathom why would they boot out someone with such strong credentials and also good personality. He rang me once when he was retrenched, I was rather alarmed to learn of his retrenchment but I remembered vaguely that I only chatted some minutes with him and I hung up. I was with my other group of friends at Mustafa. Since then, I never heard from him. I tried to call him but to no avail. Left him voice messages, text him, all but nothing came back to me. I figured he might be mad at me for not lending a listening ear when he needed one most. I really gave myself a mental tight slap each time when I recall the moment when he wanted to unload his heavy chest of grievances at work. I feel bad. I never forget the day when Lesli accompanied me to the eye specialist when I was in my bad shape. He was there for me. But some how, I forgot his kindness and repaid him with a deaf ear. I could not forgive myself for losing a friend like Lesli, not even till today. I braved myself one final day when I was heading to work, I picked up the cell and called him but to realize his number was no longer in use. Touch wood, but I am always fearful of those people in my life whom just disappeared for no reason. Sounds weird, but I always look out for them at the obituaries. I mean no harm nor am I wishing/hoping to send anyone to hell (which as mentioned in an earlier chapter, one of my friends actually thought I was), but I am just concern about their well-being. In any case, I sincerely wish both Lesli and Donny well. Spiritually, I wish them all the best in whichever corner they are in. Speaking about spiritually, I met a couple of Gideons preaching in the train today. In fact, I was ever approached once. I wonder what are their real mission? To poach or to coach. Minding my business, but what do they really get out of this? Do they really attain some kind of satisfaction? Their love for God is so strong that they are traveling miles to spread the gospel. How encouraging. This is something which I, being an Asian would not be able to comprehend the profound theory of philosophy, in fact would I find it rather an idiosyncrasy instead? My colleague who is leaving the Board talked about euStress at today's lunch. Boy, it is either I am too tired or I am too complacent that I have never felt that neutral stress for a long time……
25 August 2006, Friday, 11.33pm
Paranormal abilities
Received a bad news in the morning about Carissa being admitted to hospital due to her illness yesterday. Poor girl rejected feeding and showing signs of dehydration. It was heart wrenching to know that she was actually on drips since she was not able to consume through feeding. Anyway, she is getting better, so I heard. She is now able to fall asleep without much difficulty and able to feed from bottle. Good to know. So today ended up another day of Uncle duty: bringing nephew to the clinic for his follow-up on his neck physio. Showing signs of improvement, according to the Doctor. That aside, the rest of the day was pretty much spending time drifting. Boy, I have been following the TV serial ‘Ghost Whisperer’, and it never fails to warm my heart and brings tears to my cheeks in every episode. Those stories told were so surreal, so incredibly touching. Each episode tells how Melinda Gordon (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt) who was gifted with the ability to see earth-bound spirits, helps them to move on. She really shines in this drama. I always associate her acting skills as drama and exaggerating, but man, she really really proves me wrong when her hidden acting talents emerged in this serial. Erhh…. Not doing a TV serial critics here, but I thought this show is something which is so worth spending that hour glued to the couch and plant my eyes on the TV screen. Sometimes I wonder if I can handle so well like Melinda if I have the same ability. Not that I wish I could, but about the strong belief in yourself in helping ‘the others’ to see the light. Of course, you may tell me this is all about movie scripts, and story spinning, but I am certain that some one out there in this planet must have this ‘gift’ too. Wonder how they are coping with it. Never mind me, sometimes I just like to think of the impossibles. Well well, time check, 11:51pm. Shall keep this chapter rather a short one. You may not know, but it has been my 2005 new year resolution to wake up early in the morning so that I can be punctual to work and also to shed that extra kilos of trans fats on the track field over weekend mornings. This is something which till date, I never achieved. So much about timing my alarm clock each night before turning in, but it clearly did not help at all. Hopeless moi. So, just what is it in me that is keeping me to wake up when the alarm buzz? Go figure. Anyway, I am targeting to peel open my eyes tomorrow morning at 6:51am and get my feet to the ground and head for the track field. Ambitious, but I am going to take whatever it takes to fulfil that. Hopefully. No, I ought to say, I must. The battery is running critically low anyway. It is the sign I guess. So goodnight, and I shall tell you if I do make it for the morning to breathe in the first class crisp air! ciao…
27 August 2006, Sunday, 12.16am
Naturally
Fiasco. My head rules over my mind and body apparently. I failed to crawl out of bed at 6.51am. Gosh, am I really hopeless? Why was it that I was able to do so back in my Wing Tai days? I was not coerced nor was I held at gunpoint. Let us just say that I am pure lazy. I need motivation perhaps. Support from a someone who has yet to open my window of darkness? Sigh, period. Alas, this evening we picked the annual Christmas draw. This was not the first few years of draw, but I was still getting the vibes each time when the names were thrown on the table for the pick. Is this natural? Hmm, natural? The root word for naturally. The second half of the evening was spent talking on naturally; as defined in dictionary, it is an adjective that means ‘logically’ or obviously. Are certain behaviours naturally the way it is unspoken? Are they the way they are to be understood logically? Philosophically speaking, in another words, opinionatedly speaking, naturally to me is something which is probably an agreement which is mutually consented without making any prior establishment of common understanding. Does each of us then have the same wavelength of common understanding of what is naturally and what is not? With such complexity in human minds, i can say that I do not agree in taking things for granted that things happen naturally. Things happen for a reason, and when that happens, there is an underlying cause that made the thing happened. So ultimately, it is the cause that creates naturally. Surely, cause does not equate naturally. Oh man, so what causes me to be so analytical into the true meanings of words at this moment. Just say that I am now in my bitchy mode. Does bitchyness then equate to I-will-be-analytical naturally? No, bitchyness only creates grouchiness in me but it does not mean that I will be analytical naturally. Profound, but when it comes to toying of word, I find it rather interesting instead. But look, whatever it is, these are all just interpretations of the meaning of words by oneself. The way one person perceives does not always patches the way another person perceives. The debates of perceptions and reception of human mind sets are infinity with no conclusion. We shall never take it for granted that what you think is natural to you and is natural to me too. Now, may I ask who gives you the right to tell me how the way I should be thinking indirectly? Hmm……food for thoughts, and time to sleep over it, erm… … naturally?… …
28 August 2006, Monday, 9.37pm
Sex deficiency
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … !!! !!!!!!!!
30 August 2006, Wednesday, 11.23pm
The Zara Tie
So, now I know how disease can be that formidable and that toxic. Lily just got infected with Foot, Hand and Mouth Disease, the sequel to Carrisa. Just when we (me and mom) thought we could have this weekend for our own outings, Bryant will be staying over the weekend again (1 straight month). This made me realized how lethal these viruses are. I can never fathom how SARS was spread like wild fire in year 2003, somehow, this FHM Disease answered my comprehension of how all this saga affected the entire planet back then. Oh, I kind of lost my train of thoughts; wanted to raise a topic but it slipped my mind. Paused…. (2 mins) Ah… yes! I remember now. I emptied hundred over bucks over at Zara’s. Was meant to get a tie and I ended up getting a tie and a shirt. Chee bye man! Well, I am supposed to guard my dollars and cents in preparation for my New Zealand trip in November/December. 100 odds. I could have used the same amount for 2 nights stay in Christchurch. Argh…move on dude, it cannot be undone now. I really cannot wait to materialize a trip to somewhere. I badly needed one; just need to get away from my heaps of logs at 1 Cuscaden Road. Ooooooh.... my sleepy eyes are swearing at me to give them a rest for the night… I shall keep it short this evening then…. zzzzzz
posted by chilliseedz at Saturday, September 02, 2006
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