22 January 2007, Tuesday, 2234hrs

The last hours of being 29

I have been depressed for more than a week now, nothing can quite describe my feelings actually. Prozacs used to help calm my nerves a little but never my inner self. I guess I have reached another level of life. Quarter life crisis. Perhaps. Seriously? This makes me reflect many things in life. Being a manboy for this long, I must say that the last few days being 29yo hit me the hardest. Hard enough that an episode of Brothers & Sisters made my tears waterfalled down my cheeks and a running river going through my nose. Actually, I thought I was better last Saturday morning when Sunday evening knocked on my door to present me the super-down symdrome again. Closed friends suggested gymming and chocolates but I guess the supposed endorphins through the two sources didn't quite release much enough to neutralise my depression cells still. Now, I nearly forgot about what Gene O'Kelly taught me about moments. I should learn to treasure and savour moments more than hoping for eternity in any form of relationships, which I had always been blindly guided by myself. Am I still?

Perhaps, just returning from France, I am now hinging on and influenced by the French culture of being once invaded and to resurrect again, ie, the French Renaissance?

I was just explaining to Frances over the weekend that I had been planning for a birthday bash for myself when I cross over to 30 in the coming 23rd Jan, ie a few hours from now. But since last year, as I was just a month or two away from 23 January, things happened. Mr Destiny shattered my 30th birthday before it even comes around. Mom had to go for surgery around the week of my birthday and friends are either too tied with dollars or tied up with their own schedules. My plans for renting a yacht and a short trip to BKK for a sex romp all came tumbling down. Don't get me wrong, I am not disappointed at all, just that I thought it's probably God's will that my birthday plans will not materialise since I am likely to stay home and make hospital visits then. In fact, I must say thank God that nothing materialise for now, else I'd be caught in quite a mess with dates and arrangements.

Nonetheless, I have taken the day off tomorrow, either to Bedok Reservoir to look for Stella and Fu Gui whom I set free in the reservoir 5 years ago, or do some quiet reading at Borders at Parkway Parade. Anyways, I have an appointment with Dr Johari at 10.30am, so I guess my day will fix at Parkway or East Coast to enjoy the breeze, and hopefully, the breeze will blow my depression away.

Have been tuning my head and ears with Apologise (One Republic) and if there was ever a chance, I'd rename the song as 'Too late'. Check out the lyrics below, and you may agree with me too. And before you do, I'd like to say to those and many people out there not to take things for granted. Believe things happen for a reason. Seriously. Woon Beng doesnt quite believe in karma till it hits me back many times lately. I blame myself for being so anal in many ways and being so naive in many situations too. I hope to learn from these lessons and one day, I hope to be able to share my life experience with someone too.

The Diving Bell and The Butterfly moved me to tears last evening. Jean-Dominique Bauby, your persistence in life indeed touched my heart in every corner and it proves to me again that while I have been naughty in many ways over the past single years, I have neglected moments with my loved ones, and wasting time harping on the impossible. I was fooled by Stupidity. Blinded by my heart.

I guess Fate brings me to Jean-Do to realize that I have been foolish to get myself depress over the past weeks and I should enjoy life the way it is before life changes for some reason. Rhett was right too, maybe things are meant to be this way for me now. Just move along in life and see how it moves while I do the things I love to do.

I am left with 58 mins of 29 years old. And shortly, I’ll be gluing myself to TV to catch Grey’s Anatomy and hopefully, I can do another bucket of tears so that I can just stop the depression for now and move on to a brand new start tomorrow. We’ll see.

Happy 30th Birthday to myself and Happy Birthday Ian. Goodbye 20s…

One Republic - Apologise
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGPUuPHdHQg
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say Sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you,
But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground