6 July 2007, Sunday, 2111hrs
The Shadow
This week has been rough and patchy. In fact, the past two weeks of babysitting had drained me, leaving me high and dry and with my issues of insecurity in life, that doubled my mental strain. Have been hit by a serious depression with the negative aura clouding my regime too. Cannot quite seem to comprehend why things are the way it is.
Been dissecting my life, cutting it into bits and pieces, organs to organs and blood to skin, and the diagnosis is: I have been living in other people's shadow. *How apt, Linkin Park's Shadow of the Day is filling my ears with the headphone cupping my ears* The mind is a very powerful intangible aspect of intellect and consciousness in us. My mind is filled with too many train of thoughts at the current moment. Could this be mid-life crisis?
I couldn't quite relinquish and rid my fucking brain that keeps my mind running and wondering, thus the current state of depression.
Monday, I subscribed to self-crying. Tuesday, SY gave me a lunch session (over Mac) on To love thyself before Thee embrace others. Wednesday, Olivier gave a half hour in the rain trying to shake me up (How I wish he could punch me to keep me alive). Thursday, Peter gave me a night in at Carissa Park with Speak-up-and-the-truth-is-out-there lecture. Friday, Kavan gave me a night session (over mojito, margarita and ear grey) on another version of Fuck-yourself-before-you-fuck-the-others. Saturday, Andy and Ian set me a goal in life to pursue. And now, Sunday, I am recollecting the advice I gathered over the week.
My eyes are puffy from sleepless nights, poor appetite and a super exhaustive brain that keeps pumping stupid and fucking nerve-biting thoughts that are affecting my health being. Clearly, from the visible signs of zits and lethargicness I accummulated over the weeks.
I am so giving up, giving up life on the choices and hurt and pain that I live in everyday. I dug, flipped, ransacked my whole room, and the search for Hong's number was to no avail. I kind of remembered that Hong's contact has been discarded when I was doing housecleaning one day. I need help. I am turning unto you God, please take my hand and guide me from the tunnel and out to the light, because, I really do not know what to do anymore.
Perhaps, from a psychology point of view, I shall and ought to be happy since I have three more years to live. Hold on, it's more like two and a half year since half of 2008 has gone and past. It's probably time I realise that I have this little time for myself before I can care more for the others. I need to enrich, fulfil, charge and complete myself, so that if it is true abt the magic number, 33, then, I will probably depart in a more peaceful and no-regrets manner.
Hmm... actually, that might not be bad strategy after all. At least it will make me keep going, keep moving on, and cherish each and every happy moment more, rather than looking back and hide.
That's a good food for thought, for tonight at least.
My mind is play with me now, so are my eyes and heart. Let's meet zz monster soon and sleep through tonight, I hope for now.
Goodnight Mr Sunday, and goodnight to myself.
The Shadow
This week has been rough and patchy. In fact, the past two weeks of babysitting had drained me, leaving me high and dry and with my issues of insecurity in life, that doubled my mental strain. Have been hit by a serious depression with the negative aura clouding my regime too. Cannot quite seem to comprehend why things are the way it is.
Been dissecting my life, cutting it into bits and pieces, organs to organs and blood to skin, and the diagnosis is: I have been living in other people's shadow. *How apt, Linkin Park's Shadow of the Day is filling my ears with the headphone cupping my ears* The mind is a very powerful intangible aspect of intellect and consciousness in us. My mind is filled with too many train of thoughts at the current moment. Could this be mid-life crisis?
I couldn't quite relinquish and rid my fucking brain that keeps my mind running and wondering, thus the current state of depression.
Monday, I subscribed to self-crying. Tuesday, SY gave me a lunch session (over Mac) on To love thyself before Thee embrace others. Wednesday, Olivier gave a half hour in the rain trying to shake me up (How I wish he could punch me to keep me alive). Thursday, Peter gave me a night in at Carissa Park with Speak-up-and-the-truth-is-out-there lecture. Friday, Kavan gave me a night session (over mojito, margarita and ear grey) on another version of Fuck-yourself-before-you-fuck-the-others. Saturday, Andy and Ian set me a goal in life to pursue. And now, Sunday, I am recollecting the advice I gathered over the week.
My eyes are puffy from sleepless nights, poor appetite and a super exhaustive brain that keeps pumping stupid and fucking nerve-biting thoughts that are affecting my health being. Clearly, from the visible signs of zits and lethargicness I accummulated over the weeks.
I am so giving up, giving up life on the choices and hurt and pain that I live in everyday. I dug, flipped, ransacked my whole room, and the search for Hong's number was to no avail. I kind of remembered that Hong's contact has been discarded when I was doing housecleaning one day. I need help. I am turning unto you God, please take my hand and guide me from the tunnel and out to the light, because, I really do not know what to do anymore.
Perhaps, from a psychology point of view, I shall and ought to be happy since I have three more years to live. Hold on, it's more like two and a half year since half of 2008 has gone and past. It's probably time I realise that I have this little time for myself before I can care more for the others. I need to enrich, fulfil, charge and complete myself, so that if it is true abt the magic number, 33, then, I will probably depart in a more peaceful and no-regrets manner.
Hmm... actually, that might not be bad strategy after all. At least it will make me keep going, keep moving on, and cherish each and every happy moment more, rather than looking back and hide.
That's a good food for thought, for tonight at least.
My mind is play with me now, so are my eyes and heart. Let's meet zz monster soon and sleep through tonight, I hope for now.
Goodnight Mr Sunday, and goodnight to myself.
posted by chilliseedz at Sunday, July 06, 2008
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