11 July 2009, Saturday, 2354hrs

Nice and easy Saturday.

It is one of those rare Saturday nights when I am staying home writing. It has been a while since the same scenario happened. Not feeling extremely chatty or typie... but just thought I could pen something before I hit the sack.

Lying in bed, repeating Beyonce's Halo track, I am just pondering exactly (i) who am I (ii) what am I? (iii) where am I? (iv) How am I? (v) why I am even thinking about 'I' as the subject?

I have been waking up for the past few mornings, asking myself if I am indeed ready to move to the southen hemisphere. A different paradigm, different ball game altogether. Am I seriously ready? My mind says yes violently, my soul and body say 'I am ready when you are' lazily, my subconscious mind says 'are you sure' constantly? I believe subconscious mind is basically asking me to perform a reality check before I hand out the check and stamp. Sure, that is absolutely the sane and logical thing to do.

At the same time, I have been following what Dr Joseph Murphy advises, ie, relax my body, mind and soul in a sanitised and quiet condusive environment. Then tell me what I want to achieve in life, and also to instil this in my subconscious mind. I have been following his advice, and I am seeing a clearer path, but still a couple of stumbling blocks which I need to engineer them aside. Dr Murphy, I am surrounded by your embrace, but why can't I seem to stay positive for long? I feel like a candle with a weak flame as each day goes by, burning out whatever remaining wax to keep myself combusting; carbon dioxide seems to get thinner as well. Am I practising the wrong method of self-cultivation? Or am I resilient to accepting new orders? To what exactly am I feeling like a fiasco?

Where are you Christopher Alexander? Where the bloody hell have you been? I am totally lost without your mentorship. I feel so lost each time you are away. God, are you here with me?? I need you now. Guide me through this difficult decision I am about to make. Peelease...

Too much pause in this writing, clearly, I am mentally tired after this whole exercise of research and development. Let me rest: Lie down and meditate my self-created Vipassana mantra:

To my infinite intelligent self, I shall speak with confidence and make sound decision and advice to myself. I am positive, cheerful, happy and equipped with a wealth of knowledge and love. I shall manifest and exude these charms to the people around me who will eventually glow with happiness in life, and this is where I draw my positive energy from. With this positive energy, I consume my own happiness and believe my dreams and goals will be realised when it is time, and this is when Love follow suit. My dream will be realised, now.

Sleep sleep sleep and chant chant chant.

While penning, have decided to wake up at 6am to East Coast Park for a fresh intake of oxygen supply. So shall update soon.

PS: Beyonce, if you are reading this and if you could, can you pass me that Halo of yours for a day? I can pay for rental if it takes for it to be placed above my head. Just let me be sane and feel like a saint, for once. Would you, please?