24 November 2009, Tuesday, 2337hrs

A Thousand Splendid Suns

Dear Stirlo

You were wrong to say that I was a hard-hearted fool on The Kite Runner. Hosseni perhaps did not touch me with Amir and Hassan, but he certainly did with Mariam and Laila.

Have you read this yet? I just wanted to tell you that this novel has touched me inside out, and this is by far the first book that made me teared, closed my eyes for those seconds to recount that my Today is far better than any of Laila's in the 1980s. It could be worse, but it was not. How can I compare in the first place, between a once-Soviet ruled country to the tiny dot on the world map? This is so irrelevant.

I miss you and wish you were here to share my thoughts about A Thousand Splendid Suns, just like how Mariam shared with Mullah Faizullah. I miss Erika too. I really do. She, who was so motherly and encouraged me to pick up Hosseni's second novel. I finally completed, and I have so much to share. I miss you both.

Here's something which shall remain in my heart, and since I cannot share with anyone else who appreciates Hosseini's talents, I shall write this to remind myself that Tomorrow is always a better day. After all, Mariam is absolutely right, What good is it, Laila jo? To translate, move on, Justin.

Here's a phrase from the seventeenth-century Persian poet, Saeb-e-Tabrizi, which I am sharing and dedicating to you and Erika:

"One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs
Or the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls" Page 186, A Thousand Splendid Suns.

I wish you both well in wherever you are in this world.

I miss you,
Jus

10 August 2009, Monday, 2113hrs

Still the lost feeling and the daunting thoughts...

Tuning in to 96fm - airing Breakeven - The Script.

Feeling all sorts of feeling from excitement, lost, happiness, sad ......

Sighs...I guess it's the fact that the kids are growing up and I do feel attached to them more and more these days. When I carried Bryant earlier, I felt so peaceful and so wanted to drop the idea of moving. Or maybe I should? Eleanor asked about the progress and she relayed to me about my brother's concern: would we grow apart eventually, and most importantly, would I be coming back?

Skip, skip, skip.... drop subject. Let's do some reading and turn in early tonight.

Goodnight Bryant.

11 July 2009, Saturday, 2354hrs

Nice and easy Saturday.

It is one of those rare Saturday nights when I am staying home writing. It has been a while since the same scenario happened. Not feeling extremely chatty or typie... but just thought I could pen something before I hit the sack.

Lying in bed, repeating Beyonce's Halo track, I am just pondering exactly (i) who am I (ii) what am I? (iii) where am I? (iv) How am I? (v) why I am even thinking about 'I' as the subject?

I have been waking up for the past few mornings, asking myself if I am indeed ready to move to the southen hemisphere. A different paradigm, different ball game altogether. Am I seriously ready? My mind says yes violently, my soul and body say 'I am ready when you are' lazily, my subconscious mind says 'are you sure' constantly? I believe subconscious mind is basically asking me to perform a reality check before I hand out the check and stamp. Sure, that is absolutely the sane and logical thing to do.

At the same time, I have been following what Dr Joseph Murphy advises, ie, relax my body, mind and soul in a sanitised and quiet condusive environment. Then tell me what I want to achieve in life, and also to instil this in my subconscious mind. I have been following his advice, and I am seeing a clearer path, but still a couple of stumbling blocks which I need to engineer them aside. Dr Murphy, I am surrounded by your embrace, but why can't I seem to stay positive for long? I feel like a candle with a weak flame as each day goes by, burning out whatever remaining wax to keep myself combusting; carbon dioxide seems to get thinner as well. Am I practising the wrong method of self-cultivation? Or am I resilient to accepting new orders? To what exactly am I feeling like a fiasco?

Where are you Christopher Alexander? Where the bloody hell have you been? I am totally lost without your mentorship. I feel so lost each time you are away. God, are you here with me?? I need you now. Guide me through this difficult decision I am about to make. Peelease...

Too much pause in this writing, clearly, I am mentally tired after this whole exercise of research and development. Let me rest: Lie down and meditate my self-created Vipassana mantra:

To my infinite intelligent self, I shall speak with confidence and make sound decision and advice to myself. I am positive, cheerful, happy and equipped with a wealth of knowledge and love. I shall manifest and exude these charms to the people around me who will eventually glow with happiness in life, and this is where I draw my positive energy from. With this positive energy, I consume my own happiness and believe my dreams and goals will be realised when it is time, and this is when Love follow suit. My dream will be realised, now.

Sleep sleep sleep and chant chant chant.

While penning, have decided to wake up at 6am to East Coast Park for a fresh intake of oxygen supply. So shall update soon.

PS: Beyonce, if you are reading this and if you could, can you pass me that Halo of yours for a day? I can pay for rental if it takes for it to be placed above my head. Just let me be sane and feel like a saint, for once. Would you, please?

28 June 2009, Sunday, 1211hrs

If Today Was Your Last Day

Here I am, again. It's funny to repeat this over and over again, ie, time flies. We repeat this several times in our lives. It sounds to me that I say this most when I look back in life on my achievements - what have I been doing, rather.

I have been repeating this even more since my return from two-three-nights-in-Thailand; hit me worst amongst all the other trips, but this certainly is the catalyst to my senses to drive myself towards my dreams.

Finally, on May 29th, that full three hours cry-out to God, I finally received His direction. This has been followed by many signs. When I say "many", I really meant many. Or maybe it is just that subconscious mind that has opened up to more options and therefore seeing more opportunities? I don't know, whichever way this thing works, all I can say is that it's a sign leading to more signs. After the full communication transmitting all my negative energy over the cell, I headed back to my workstation, the sign started with Gavin Miller (96FM) playing "If Today Was Your Last Day" - Nickelback. For some very bizarre reason, I absorbed the lyrics and tune wholly. It might not be the best song I heard, but it surely is a song that arrested my soul that day.

Check this out, if you have not heard of Nickleback:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0Ia07pu704

The song, particularly these sentences stir me up alot:
He said each day is a gift and not a given right.
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try, so live like you're never living twice.

How meaningful, and factual.

Pessimistism versus Optimistism - I am the former but am learning the latter. We mourn on demises, the passings, the loss.....but for how long? It's been one and a half month since my return from my loss in Thailand. The fun, the memories, the joy and relaxation: these kind of remained in Thailand; I do not want to bring them back since they are potentially my emotional baggage. I am currently lost, so perhaps it is better not to even mention about happy times but to work towards happier moments in time to come.

Niels, the Viking gave me a hard squeeze and asked why did I stop writing TPB. We looked at each other for seconds without uttering. That awkward silence in Gloria Jean's Raffles City on a busy Wednesday afternoon lunch hour seemed to be rather long and walled up. I have no answer for him. He gave me the fiery eye-shot that made my face flushed. He encouraged me to find my flame back into TPB; something which I always wanted to complete, at least the only achievement which I may possibly have this life time, yet, I gave it up. He wanted to explore a weekend sitting me down and start writing, possible?

Already, I regretted on:
(i) Choosing Tourism Management instead of Legal Studies
(ii) Not pursuing RMIT when I could have after ORD
(iii) making the 23 nights in Thailand in 2009.

I might not have mentioned in this journal, but when I was diagnosed with probable dengue fever in January this year, I had a very quick instant regret. I was on tubes because of the drop in white blood cells, lying on the bed in Tan Tock Seng Hospital. The Doc came around and informed me that my fever was (1) a probable case of Dengue (2) there is no cure for Dengue Fever (3) and pretty much dependent on my immune system. So, there came that very quick thought, which is, "Fuck, I haven't had the chance to live overseas yet".

Now, will this ever add on to my list of regrets in another two years to come?

What if today was indeed my last day?

----------------------------------------

PS: A blissful marriage to my friend Juliana Khoo, she's tying the knot today.

25 February 2009, Wednesday, 2037hrs

Om Namah Shivaya

It was a ridiculous morning to kick start today. Just say that I had a bad Wednesday.

Was hydrotherapying in the shower after gym when I received two calls from Monique and Constance: Andrew was summoning for me to attend a meeting which I wasn't aware and informed earlier. And the meeting was like "Hurry come up now, Edmund is here too". You bet I clad myself in the fastest speed I ever did this life time, transformed, and twinkled up to my work station, grabbed my logbook and pen and appeared in the meeting room; panting and looking flustered with my hair dripping wet, shirt creased and unbutton, and spotted with my trainers instead of a pair of dress shoes. Totally the after-sex-look.

Very unprepared for the meeting, especially on a sensitive subject which I expected our new Le Patron to throw fireballs at the team. For once, I felt handicapped. No surprise anyway, Le Patron shot not only fireballs that can potentially send those incinerator effect, but also a lethal one that can send you to explosion instantly. The team was set ablaze. Terrific. That's what I call the wake-up call.

Nothing to be alarmed too, I have been too immuned to such treatment. Don't get me wrong, that certainly doesn't equate to our incapability but the mere fact that my immediate boss has always been making the wrong judgment calls for projects, and the very fact that she's a terrible leader who steers her staff to the wrong direction, which always ends us in a maze than a labyrinth. Lost. It's funny, because when I was doing a TOL handover to Constance, she asked me the same question too: "Is she blur, or don't understand, or what?" My conclusion to her was "Simply bo chap". Frankly, how can one be so blur not even to understand the basics of survivorship? Well, put it this way, if she can keep herself floating this far in the organisation, that goes to show that she must be capable in an area which clearly, has not been manifested in this Division. If so, isn't that apparent that she simply doesn't bother to ace her current jobs since she has no interests or vested interest (to a certain degree) in any way? She remained almost silent in the meeting, and almost stepped herself (or rather the team - since she spoke on behalf of the team) into her (our) own booby traps - when she tried to explain why no details were drafted for CE! Thank God, whom I have been praying to (alot) lately, Andrew spoke up and did a pefect smoke-out for the team.

Speaking about God, I have been talking to Him alot lately. I wasn't expecting him to relief my sufferings or pains that I am going through at work. Just wanted to chat with Him and see if he has any views on my current state. Of course, His reply to me has always been simple. "Get some rest Beng, you are tired. Deal with the problem when it comes. There is always a solution to problems, and learn the art of letting go of emotions and focus on the subject when handling one."

My prayer (soon I believe) would encompass a Japa mala. I hope by the time when I hit the 108th beads, I would get an orgasm out of my own misery. Am thanking God that I can, and still able to rest on my bed now, to punch this journal out tonight. Workload has been piling and timelines are getting tighter too, but I am learning now the Art of Dharana - Fixing the mind on some object either within the body or outside - while at work: Focus, work non-stop and less (minimal or rather hopefully, NO talking cock session) nonsense during curriculum, when the hour/minute/second hand ticks to their respective 1800hrs position, I will just fuck off, and fuck my mind out of the fucking office for the fucking pressurising day. Hmm.. all right all right, I know that while learning the way, I should remain neutral and no swearing, but this wasn't quite spell out in the Art of Dharana - so who the fuck gives the fucking shit about fucking swearing? Oh, God, did you say, and I hear The Way does? Oh, where the fuck is my mala which I bought at the Tibetan camp in Nepal?! Fuck.

W&G or Eat Pray Love? I'll toss a coin. Can't stay up late anyway, it's another mad day tomorrow at work: I am not bothered and have not crafted the email for Andrew which is due tomorrow. I mean Hello? I need to sleep and eat. So give me a fucking break.

Sigh, what the fuck, guess I'll just skip W&G, Eat and Love, I shall pray and perhaps enjoy the silent night instead.

Om Namah Shivaya ........................Om Namah Shivaya - Thanks E. Gilbert, for passing the prayers.

24 February 2009, Tuesday, 2127hrs

Jordanic night

A stoney Tuesday. It was rather an unusual Monday late night for me. What's new, when you are out about with Mr. Christoph, the descendent of the notorious Marie Antoinette, you'd never go out of breath. Christoph would go on and on and on about politics (his favourite subject so far), travelling, books, poet/ems, musicians, paintings, histories - all in the name of passion for life. Don't get me wrong, of course, I don't find him a nuisance (if not, why the hell would I be out with him at midnight downing Tiger at Lavender Food Centre last night) but rather, an infotaining fellow to hang out with. Ah well, he's rather bored while I was rather bored-er, so we kept each other accompany.

Never knew Jordan is such a beautiful country! It was intended to be a Bali sharing session, and we ended up browsing through Chris' escapade to Jordan in 2005. He brought me through Amman, then to the ancient city of Petra - the entrance to the ancient city is through a 1.25 km narrow gorge in the mountain — called the Siq. In the city are various structures, all (except two) are carved into rock, including al Khazneh - known as the Treasury - which has been designated as one of the "New Seven Wonders of the World", then went on to monasteries, the Roman theater, the Royal Tombs, the High Place of Sacrifice, Crusader Castles blah blah blah... AND the unforgetable one night stay in the Tent in Ma'an's desert. I was totally awed by his descriptions and those pictures he took. Absolutely stunning. How not to be impressed by this Bassoon player when he iterated the history of the Roman Empire, the medieval era, to the renaissance in France, with such positive energy... It felt like a crash course, and I am not sure how much I have absorbed, but one thing for sure is, I am truly impressed and mesmerised by his European roots, as well as his passion and love for the meaning of life. His general knowledge is certainly by far, the most outstanding amongst many friends of mine. I was completely bought over by him, and Jordan, please await my arrival... ...soon!

Here's another knowledge i gained last night: Fish and labyrinth are actually symbols of Christianity too. You know one always thinks that the classical labyrinth is complicated to fathom, but Chris taught me the technique to draw out one without sweating or even the need to blend the brain juice. It's very easy and simple, and it basically applies on the symmetric theory. Amazing. However, both of us still couldn't break the code for the medieval labyrinth, which requires more strokes. It really intriques my mind to see through the tricks in figuring out how to draw one medieval labyrinth.

Anyway, the conversation led us to the sharing of our Turkey trips. From the Ottoman Empire, to Roman Empire, to the Celtics, we simply enjoyed ourselves last night thoroughly. It was all good and reminiscent.

*yawn*

*yawn*

Holy cow, double yawns... you can imagine how tired I am. Shall read a chapter or two of Eat Pray Love before i catch up on some sleep.

Till then. Rather abrupt, but my eyes aren't quite focusing on the screen.

Psst..... Lang Lang means Long Long in German... go figure out who is Mr Lang Lang... haahaa

27 January 2009, Tuesday, 0026hrs

Happy Chinese New Year (2nd Day)

Holy cow, I couldn't quite believe myself when I covered my mouth with the "O" mouth action. June 2008: that was my last entry. Where the hell have I been?! I almost couldn't remember on the date month format of my journal. How upsetting, actually. Seriously.

Now, truth be told, I haven't really had the time to do the novelty thing, ie, writing that god damn forsaken book (TPB), so the hell with it. I shall get on with this journal instead, and start penning here, more religiously, instead of dreaming of becoming a bookwriter one day, which i know i probably wouldn't be. Or maybe i would.

It really feels like a long time. God, I ought to be shot. It just felt like I had been to the moon and back... I mean, Himalayas and back, yes. But just never that far, have I? Thank god my sanity is still in tact.

Promise you there darling, shall keep this a float once again, and shall log in more often than not to pen away... je suis pret encore... oui, je sais..

PS: Sorry, it's CNY, so just give me that extra moments to myself, and I need to burn midnight oil with Will & Grace... will be back soon...

Gong Xi Fa Cai. Huat ah!