16 April 2007, Monday, 2.16pm

Purpose Driven Life

This migraine thing has been a slight problem for me recently. Nothing strange about this, but I am getting it more often early this year than late 2006. Stress, perhaps. And the past weekend was spent with it being nestled in me. Hence, the boring and tiring weekend. In fact, it all started on Friday night, I was terribly down with lethargicness, and I couldn't concentrate a single bit when Matt was explaining to me about his legal complications last Friday. It was probably a boring subject, plus my tiredness, I nodded asleep when he went on and on in fact. How embarrassing. Life at work has been tremendously disturbing too. Many changes laterally across the Board, from top down too. Bad for the organisation, especially when the new bloods are injected with the old cells purging and exiting the body. Brand new cloned life? When DragonLady ascends the throne, it will be a total new ball game altogether too, with more changes and changes, we suspect. Wonder what plans God has in store for us. Will the ever-male dorminated empire be bethroned and reconfigure into a Monarchy of Matriachs? This is a show worth waiting for, Hidden DragonLady Crouching Tigerman, ..... Hmm...

At last, I pulled through the whole texbook of Purpose Driven Life. It was not easy for a non-believer like me. The first few chapters or even the first ten pages were very repelling for me. I had the urge to shut the book and chuck it aside, but thank god to my strong determination that was cultivated over the years, I persisted to complete the book. Like I was telling Kevin (I would like to call him the messenger since he was the book ower and lender), the writer was very opinionated in certain aspects. Reading it from a third party's eyes, I couldn't agree many teachings, or I would like to say, self-explaining. However, as much as I do not see eye to eye with the writer on all subjects written, I must applaud for his usage of words and his knowledge of Christ. His words are also very convincing and very thought provoking. His deciphering of Christ's behaviour and sacrificing are very detailed and profounding too. The middle chapters were super dry like meepok and monotonous like William Hung; the dryness of the text was so encouraging to put an end there and then. Since I have completed the book, I will just say that it's Fate that brought me to finish the book, and also the bond that God has gifted to me to digest the book too. Many times when I was reading the book without understanding it, I pushed myself to reread and rethink of what the writer was trying to put across, and I tell you, this was the most difficult part, I must say. Somehow I can see a wider array of life now. The way the book was written is pretty similar to my own belief, ie, things happen for a reason: though the Purpose Driven Life is religiously written while mine is philosophically scripted.

And the take-away of this book is? In short, of my own belief of the book: We should live life the way it is to its fullest, without bearing grudges. Be transparent, be clear in your objectives and stay away from greed and fame. Be harmoniouly oriented and treat everyone fairly, and finally, be contented with who and what you are. The religion pointers to pocket for the book would be: We are all created by God to serve the Lord, to serve his purpose and his plans for us in Earth, to build strong fellowship and community, and to love thyself for the way God has created you for. To praise the Lord for his graciousness in serving mankind. Amen.

10 April 2007, Tuesday, 2.51pm

Ordinary World

Can't believe that I'm stealing some time at this hour to write on my online journal. Things haven't been quite smooth at work, with hurdles as high as a low wall. And as my army mates would know, me, being a hardcore SOC failure, I had never completed my run (in full battle order) within the desired timing. SY will call me a Wuse, which she just did, a day ago for a different subject. Maybe I am. SY, I HATE YOU, but you are still one of my dearests. I'm actually still stucked on the career chapter. Tough decision. On the other side of the chapter, Olivier, my good old french mate made it at last; to cross the continent for another year in pursuing his dreams. Career, tops his mind. He was really teary in relating to how fortunate he is to be able to convince his international HR to grant this posting in Singapore. Of course, if you ever watched a French film, you will be able to second guess Oli's expression. 100% French, through and through.

Hmm... talking about SY, an endearing friend whom I know since 12 years ago, has always been alternative. Someone who's dating KC for the moment, has finally thoughts on rooting. A great achievement on her end, I must say. This woman, who had once gone bald before Justin Timberlake, who once carried JPG duffle bag, who once danced with me at Take That's concert, who once had her ear rings/studs clipped from ear lobe to ear tip, has provided us precious and sound advices (though not always unalternative). She has also being my confidante for the past 'situations' i encountered too, and making the efforts of indulging in Parkway's Mini Steamboat during my suicidal moments. So admirably a friend to have and indeed to be with. Cheerios mon amie! :) SY, see, a dedicated paragraph for you!

This morning to work, doubling my steps on the linkway from the interchange to the train station was quite a thought provoking one. The usual tissue-selling uncle was seated at his usual spot chewing on his bun. I once thought why would anyone be purchasing the bundled tissues from him when he's kind of filthy looking in his soiled, torn clothes. And he looks as if he hasn't been showering too, with the dirt stains on his skin. I was so absolute evil to pass the thought. I ought to be punished for that. Anyways, I caught a glimpse of him today and I instantly sobbed in a corner of my heart. That sob aches me; I could see him nibbling on his bun, savouring every bite, tasting it like it's some kind of delicacy. Me, on the other hand, who dislike bun and who can't appreciate the acquired flavour, feel so ashamed of myself; splurging on my savings on my wants more than my needs. He, who appreciates food, who sits there almost every morning, does nothing to provoke me, and yet, me, who have been picky over what to eat, and torn between Adidas and Esprit bag, actually was passing such rude thought and was none at all sympathethic before. I'm such a sinner. I heard though, from a friend that we can empathise but never compare our lives with each other. We are formed and shaped by God for who we are and we each have a purpose to serve. Better or worse, we are all here with a common goal, to live a day to wait upon others. So why compare? Waaah, very emotionally preachy here.

Suddenly, I thought of a very appropriate song to share my feeling now:

Duran Duran's Ordinary World
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights the TV and the radio but still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to it all, crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize, gone away

And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops runaway
Left me in the vaccuum of my heart
What is happening to me crazy some will say where is my friend when I need you most gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow beside the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk, just blown away

And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world (I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world (I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world, every world is our world, every world

8 April 2007, Sunday, 1.49pm

Choice and Selection

Woke up feeling steamy this late morning. I had such a fun time shopping at Mustafa last night. Come to think about it, we actually spent 3 hours in that building! It was a fruitful harvest with Dunhill cologne, Freeman foot scrub, Oral B's value packed toothbrush and some other toiletries mainly. I have this thing for toiletries shopping! hehe. Oh, and I was torn between choices. (A) Esprit bag that costs 129 but with 10% discount at Esprit store, or (B) Adidas duffel bag at 75 - whilst stocks last at Mustafa. Decision, decision, decision. I can't really decide. I like both, but I only need one. I can't weigh the pros and cons too, because I adore both. Torn. I shall resign to fate, or follow the sign. Ian said practicality wise, Adidas is superb and since it's all black, it's slick and easier to match with apparels, though he hasn't seen Esprit's. I agree. Esprit though in its khaki shade, with the European touch, is more casual but manly. I did my maths, and I could save up to 40 bucks if I choose B. Oh man, Lord, please show me the signs.

Spending this lazy Sunday at home rolling on the floor, is such a joy. Stress free, carefree and so relaxingly therapeutic? But I can't just keep thinking about my life, my career in particular. So I have been poached again, by my ex boss. Questions and answers keep propelling in my mind like a running motor. Do I, CWB, want to remain this comfortable all my life? Am I contented with my existing assets? Should I move my cheese eslewhere? Is CWB satiable with his career, why isn't he looking for career advancement? Is there a reason why am I so laidback, or lazy? But, am I lazy? Why do I have such mentality with career? Truthfully, I knew perfectly well that I have to move on in order to see pay-raise. Having rooted here in my existing organisation wouldn't help in that. Money is never enough, to some. Is that how the word Greed comes about? That of course, is one of the seven sins that we commit in life. To me, having told many, prefer to lead a simple life, less stress, with plenty of love with my loved ones. Money is perhaps secondary to Love. Love is primary and tops my priority. But face it, without money in this planet, specifically in this island, one can hardly see through a day. That hurts to know, isn't it? Eras back, primitive people traded commodities to live a day; modern era, we use paper notes to b-u-y needs. This is rather pathetic; our lives are solely determined and controlled by these papers that we humankind innovated. In another words, no paper, no life. How devastating to know. I still can't understand how a New Zealander can live so soundly, so harmaniously, so contentedly in those 2 huge islands far east. Maybe, I didn't see the other side of them? Having left Tourism Court once, has perhaps scarred and phobia-ised me. That one month exposure at Tampines Road (after I left Tourism Court) was more than a nightmare, it was a spiritual downturn for me. It was a living hell for me then. That explains why I "repent" my thoughts and Lord raised from above to save and help me return to Home. But really, I am not the sort who is after power and fortune. I prefer to have more time for myself, than to dedicate 78% of my brain juice worrying about marketing strategies, events coordination, etc. I'd rather indulge 84% of my time milking cows, talking to plants, and sitting by the patio enjoying tranquility. So, to leave, or to stay. Lord, please answer my prayers.

Liam asked me if Rebecca does argue with Senior Chew last evening. And, so he relates to how Senior Ng mentioned to him that Husband should never comment negatively on Wife. How gentlemanly, but so-not-right. Does it mean that if Wife errs, Husband keeps quiet? As the saying goes, To err is human (how conveniently to quote this when you make mistake?!), but this surely didn't mean To continuously err is forgiveable too! Liam mentioned that Senior Ng thinks negative remarks should come from a third party, in this case, his children. Perhaps, this is because One gets hurt more when he/she is being told off by someone he/she loves? I mean, it's not that the Wife don't love her kids, but think about this: Their offsprings, though by choice, it is not by selection; we can choose to have children, but we can't select and mould the way they should they look and behave. On the other hand, we select our spouse, and choose to tie the knot with each other, to swear by heaven and hell to live eternity, all in the name of Love. So it makes sense that Husband and Wife are the most loved couple in the mundane world? There are many things we are taught to love by choice, and not by our selection. Go figure.

Happy Easter Sunday, the day Jesus resurrected to save his mankind.

6 April 2007, Friday, 11.32pm

Things happen for a reason.

Life sucks! I wrote a whole chunk of happenings that took place during my inactiveness when my good old notebook crashed on me. Kan ni nah! Ok, easy Beng. Life is more than swearing. Sure. Not too vulgar before Karma gets into me. Karma, the law of moral causation, is an action and reaction in the ethical realm. It is also the natural law that every action produces a certain effect. Profound? Quite.

Since I couldn’t repeat history, I don't intend to carboncopy something that I lost, and I don't think I'll even bother to recall what I wrote. As I always like to remind myself, Things happen for a reason. Perhaps, it's that reason that caused the notebook to freeze screen and made me no choice but to do a Control, Alternate, Delete command. Possibly.

So, gym membership at California Fitness has expired last Wednesday after serving its entry since one and a half year ago. Before signing up, I used to think gym is such a gayish thing to be seen and to be in. Now, I kind of miss it already. How bizarre. Of course, I don't deny that the gymnasium is pretty a cruisy avenue for hook-ups. Anyways, in my ex-gym, there are quite a number of fun and interesting characters to chew on: Ms Britney-but-not-Spears (an aerobics babe who punches and kicks like Britney in her MTV), Mr Hulk-stocky-Hogan (who comes alive with his tattered gymmie tees daily), Mr Sex-Moaner (who breathes so hard as if performing the acts of thrusting while he does the pump), Mr Almost-Perfect-Hunk (absolute die-hard wash bod packed in six packs, such symmetrically build-up muscles and his gentlemanly look, if not for the twitch nerves he has at his neck), Ms Madonna-in-the-making (an auntie who clads in juandice coloured leotard with her impeccable ibu-ibu hair), etc. etc.. Oops, seems like I'm contributing to those gorgy cruisy eyes; I'm not immuned but I am infected by the gymmers with those glares and stares, less the ogles and drools. I mean, hey, those characters aren’t really eye candies, but at least some eye-icecream? Har?

Wednesday’s date with Dr Jonathan Lee wasn’t quite a fruitful one. As much as he was so earnest to think of ways to remedy my joint inflammation, I was reluctant to be treated so soon. I have my plan. *wink*. He was really trying so hard to brainwash me into injection of steroid to ease the inflammation, and I was so resilient to his idea. One: I’m a super coward and sissy when it comes to needles and syringes; Two: my plan was prompting me to say No. Ok, One outweighs Two, though. So Dr Lee and Dr The-Coward-who-has-a-Plan penned down our plan. Actually, Dr Lee uses mission instead of plan, i.e, to continue to wear the splint diligently and religiously for four weeks, then review again on the 5th week. If it doesn’t get any better by then, injection will have to take place. It seems like I don’t have much choices here. As a matter of fact, I know it’s inevitable for the injection, it’s just a matter of procrastination, and fear.

Times flies, 11.59pm, the last minute of Good Friday before it strikes midnight. Survivor Fiji showing in half an hour, I better get ready too.

Good Friday, the day Jesus died for his mankind.