24 juin 2007, le dimanche, 1242hrs

C'est le temps pour practiquer francais, encore!

Hier soir, j'ai reste chez moi, parce que j'ai ete malade, avec un petite mal a la tete aussi. Donc, j'etais libre alors j'ai regarde la TV, le film "Le Divorce". C'est un interessant film que produit par les Americains, mais le scene etais a Paris, en France, et parfois a la campagne au sud de France. Les actrices (Naomi Watt & Kate Hudson) etaient tres jolies dans le film, et je suis impressione que Naomi peut parler francais bien. Tres tres bien!

Le mercredi prochaine, on irait practiquer francais (parler seulement) avec karen pour le dernier fois. Bravo! Je suis heureuse!! Je peux sortir le mercredi encore, pour en boite (jamais!), pour aller cinema, pour rencontrer amis, etcetcetc....

Donc, quand est-ce qu'on utilise subjonctive? ben, j'ai oublie.... quoi! vite, vite, je pense..... ahh... quand une phrase n'est pas certaine ou la phrase est pour esperer? je crois! d'accord, je lis le taxi plu tard pour revision dans l'apres midi.

actuellement, je ne sens pas bien, pas encore. Maintenant, mes yeux sommes "lourd" et j'ai sommeil....

a la prochaine.......zzz

22 June 2007, Friday, 11.01pm

Why?

This chapter was actually written since Monday, but somehow with the accumulated backlogs on OR, I was kind of tied down clearing emails. Anyways, last Sunday was one of those saddest moments for me… …

Anger was channeled out via smashing plastic bottle. Why? I shan’t go into details of the happenings of the dispute and argument I had with the someone, whom I call him Pa all these years. And, of course, he started his usual swearing and banging of doors. At the age of 63, he still can’t see the light and the moment of life. How sad. You see, the thing about his vulgarity is so bizarre too, when he swears, those amazing words like chee bye and kan ni lao bu are piercingly hurtful with a smear of hatred. Well, I heard it a lot when I was in the army, but trust me, those vulgarities used on me by the officers or even friends are all powerless on me, but not his. Is it because he’s my father, hence I feel the mental abuse? We grew up with his swearing on us (my siblings too) when we were toddlers, teenagers, adolescents, young adults and in fact, till to date. But, I still could never receive his swearing well. Not immuned and indigestible, yet. Doesn’t it sound strange when both my brothers are already in their parenthood and yet still abused by Pa’s vulgarities? To make it worst, my nephew and nieces are not spared either.

We exchanged vulgarities, and it doesn’t help both ways. We became more agitated and more emotional in getting at each other’s throat. Our feud came a long way, since I was a teenager. In fact, my siblings and I, all three have a common enemy at home, which is unexplainable, and we never liked him. Why is it that I have a father who couldn’t understand the theory of love and relationship? Really, this, beats me.

He never understood us since young; he didn’t really care about our results, he didn’t really care about our lives too. All he ever care is his image presented to others, his money and his bottle of beer which he consumes daily. Don’t get me wrong, he was never an intoxicated physical abusive dad, but his vulgarities are mentally abusive enough. Very fortunate enough, we are still under our mom’s radar of care, she, on the other hand comprehends the theory of love and affection. She shields us since we were kids, till now. She’s almost always on our side when situations arise.

Sigh, just say that my Chinese eight characters crashes with his, big time. We always don’t see eye to eye. Even lately, he seems to be getting on mom’s nerves as well. What is exactly wrong with him? Does he know what he is doing? His wrongdoings were highlighted and verbally corrected to him, but he still errs. He never defeated to failures, and never admitted his mistakes. But truefully, in my heart, he is never a cavalry hero. He was nothing. He is someone whom I am indebted to but yet not so much of affection with.

You don’t know how mad and fuming I was then, to the extend when I could tear and be so heartbroken to know that why am I still sticking around in the house with this old man. There and then, I had a sudden and strange thought. When I told mom how I hate him all these while, mom articulated my thought, clear and smack right in my face, ie, “then quickly get married and move out.” I see this as a sign of God telling me that I should be moving on to the next phase of life. Being a leech to my parents for 29 years, I felt like a manboy whom seems to be unable to unleash my string with them. This is perhaps a very strong signal sent by God to urge me to relook into my life; to have faith in life. I have always been having faith in myself. I remember very clearly that on my 12th birthday (lying in bed after a big fight with knife swaying), praying to God to bring me closer to my Dad (and also inserting a question to God why did it happen on my 12th birthday), and for him to be less hostile, less threatening to us, but evidently, with the years gone past, sitting here writing this at the age of 29, I just had a fight with my Dad last Sunday, and the row we had the following morning too. How depressing. My faith and my prayers to God apparently have not been heard all these while. Or maybe it has? It’s God’s plan to attest my faith in Him? Another obstacle? I give up, Lord, I am so totally giving up in exchanging glance with him at home. It’s not easy. Here is the fact that I’m part of his flesh and blood, and yet the invisible line that causes the numerous frictions and fights we have. You know, I don’t intend to change him for a better man, or to change him to love me, I just need him to see and realize that life has a meaning to fulfil.

Dave (Pelzer), when young went through a more abused state, but still he pulled through, and is now a very successful man. Billions of applauds to him. Does it take for a man to see the true meaning of life just before his deathbed, I wonder? And for his family to see how much they actually love each other in the brink of death? I don’t know. It’s easy to keep asking myself why, but I think I have no reason to ask myself why either.

Saying this in my website helps me to relief my anger, and before I knew it, I no longer feel as mad as I was a few days ago. Ahh, thank God for such technology where I can express and channel out my angst through typing on the keypad.

Pa, I no longer hold any grudge over the incident. But can you just for once see that we are your sons, and we need your fatherly love? Just for this once. Not hoping for more, but just this once to realize that. I forgive your swearings and mental abuse, but I will not forgive you for not loving us as your sons before and after.

I thank God and my Mom, for guiding me through these while, that I still have my sanity in tact, without falling into the evil traps of hooliganisms and felonies, bringing me up to who I am now, despite the ordeal that we went through all those while.

To be honest, having this soft spot in my heart, somewhere, has already discarded my anger as the days go by. I’m already talking to Pa, but not conversation though. Just questions and answers.

Whether has he woken up from his senses, that, I don’t know, and is left mysteriously unspoken till the next eruption, I suppose.

Sigh... why?

13 June 2007, Wednesday, 5.52pm

A safe Lion City, maybe not.

So, I heard (over lunch) about the mutation of pneumonia and it is now termed Walking Pneumonia in Asia, originating from Vietnam. How awful is this. After these decades, there was the sudden outbreak of SARS, then Bird Flu, and now, we have Walking Pneumonia. And the rise of probable cases in my office is surging too. Is this another obstacle that God is offering us?

Last evening while entering the gantry at Orchard Station Control, i spotted four security police (young) officers clustered at the parapet chatting away instead of conducting their duties, ie, prowling and be on guard and alert of potential unforseen terrorist attacks. Well, this just reminded me of my army days when we were confined in camp for guard duties during 2/4NTM. If our officers were to see that scenario (which happened on several occasions), they would holler across the parade square and send ear-piercing decibels "kan ni nah, why are you few fuckers cluster-fuck at one corner fucking idle there?!" So much about increasing awareness of potential terrorist attack to the public. Are these patrol security officers aware and educated on the potential threat? I bet not. During national service, we were always taught to be serious and never chit-chat while on duty. If you ask me if I feel safe with their presence, my answer would likely be "no, I don't", for the obvious reason.

It's not my calling, but I do feel contented today for sharing with Gary on my notion on Chasing Daylight. I lent him the book, and I hope that he will also be able to share the moments with his loved ones. How often do we do this in a week, or a day? Do we capture moments? Maybe not. Not for me. Some days are like twinkling stars, once blinked, it's gone, some days are like seeds, once sow, it roots down the earth to stay. Measuring the number of twinkling stars and seeds that I collected these 29 years, bet I have a whole collection of stars more than seeds, like a ratio of 31:1 respectively? My days have been wasted, meaninglessly.

5 June 2007, Tuesday, 6.16pm

A moment of dizzy spell... ...

ssssshhhhh.... i fell asleep while surfing for information in the net.... gosh... my eyes really couldnt pry open and i dozed off on my desk. Thank God, no one passed by, I presume.

Well, May has gone and June has arrived. Philips VCR has also gone and Philips DVDR arrived last Sunday. People come and go in my office too; now we're standing ADless with ample managers and SO deficiency. But that's alright. You can't imagine I am so over the stage of people leaving and entering in my arena.

The month of May has depleted my savings once again; with birthdays (Stanley and Eleanor), DVD recorder, Digi Cam - all which are big ticketed items. Sigh. And so much about saving some bits during my in-camp reservist during mid May. Clearly, it didn't seem help in any sense of savings. Well, when it comes to financial control, I am a tip top loser. I can't seem to get over that benchmark of savings. Read through my bank statement last week, and I quickly SOSed Cason for help, and now I'm due to see him in mid June. Thank God. Hope he'll craft out some interesting proposals for me. So, I told Andy that I will s-t-o-p any purchase of luxury goods in my capacity after the month of June when I'm done with shopping (to change wardrobe and to replace shortfalls of accessories). Mission: nearly possible. We'll see.

The mention of reservist sends some chills down my spine. No words can express my fear, my hatred and my depression towards the yearly in-camp. What can I say, I'm just one of those coward Singaporean male who dare not take the step ahead, to immigrate for a better and greener pasture. Let's get over this for now and worry next year. Pathetic.

The theatre play Blind date on last Saturday, was urmm.... too arty farty for me. The linkage of religion, war and smoking sounds like mixing potassium with chloride and magnesium to form a reaction. Yes that frown reaction, I mean. I didn't really quite enjoy the show, and I dozed off for minutes in that comfortable setting too. But I love the evening spent with Minmin, that girl who owns a fraction of space in my heart, that girl who squeezed my pulse to cause a skip on my heart beat too, that girl who cut off my oxygen when I was gasping for air. We'll let fate decide if she would be the girl to wake up next to me in my life.

The brunch with Emily last Sunday had captured a moment and also an enlightenment. An enlightenment about priorities; about different people having different priorities in life. Now, this sentence is not too complex to understand by its own, isnt it? But do we comprehend its meaning entirely? I didn't, but I somehow do, now. Spending time and money in areas of your own priority should not make you judge people on how they prefer to spend their assets on. You may think the amount I spent on my shoes and my vacation yearly is horrendous, but what about the way you spend your monies on cosmetics, theatre plays, movies, car, and gadgets? There shouldn't even be any comparison on how each spends his cash. I was so wrong to pass my comments on how my friends splurge in their own ways. I shall be more sensitive in my response should I hear relevant "expenditure" conversations in future.

I just noticed recently (too) that my style of writing (other than official emails) are very emotionally attached to my feelings. Very expressively written in certain manner (unexplanable). Perhaps, if I try to explain this, it is written in a mental state? You know what I mean? At the end of the day, words can be lovely, but can be hurtful too if used in an inappropriate manner. Nevertheless, writing is a form of pleasure for me, an avenue where I can express my feelings and emotions widely, and openly.

Time reads 6.36pm. Time to pee before meeting Minmin at Taka for shopping. Till then.....