24 October 2006, Tuesday, 1.34pm

Hello, anyone out there?

I was just realising how emotional I have been for the past weeks. Last evening, SY kept telling me to open up. So I am opening up this Saturday. Believe this or not, I am already getting cold feet at the sound of meeting people. My inferiority is getting into me somehow. Perhaps because of a failed relationship that lasted 4 years, which left a deep scar that I am still healing? Maybe I am? Maybe not? SY drilled me and gave hopes of being who I am and proudly assured me that I am looking charming as before, so it is believed that I have my market value still. *eewwweee* The only flaw I have now according to SY is I have bolted my doors. So when is the warrior axing the metal chain to the door to set me free? What happened to my courage which I used to have? I never had problems giving speech at school halls when I did my presentation in my past employment. Now, I cringe like a millipede when I have to meet new people. My skills of bulldozing and fibbing are deteriorating.

So this weekend is packed with activities. To help or not to help my brother in his shift? If I do, I may miss the chance of meeting new friends, if I don't, will I be deemed as a selfish idiot? I think I will just do my fame awards acting and proceed with my own activities since I have my happiness to find, which is more important for me now than anything else. Besides, I am not loaning car from Frances for Stanley anymore, so I don't have to be there, there. I will make plans with SY to meet new friends, and soak my feet into the ice cold H20. if I do not feel the fireworks this weekend, I shall head for the disco next week to make a comeback at the dance floor with Olivier and SY. You bet I will.... urm... maybe not ... haha... But really, I shall hit Olivier and SY's advice for now, ie, to open my arms to receive the word "love". Ok, I need cupid. Is he here yet? Cupid, shoot me with your arrows thru and thru. If I need to die now, I shall die in the name of love.

............ *peeping-thru-the-door-hole-and-unletching-the-door-chain* urh.....hello? anyone out there?........ *stepping-one-foot-out-of-the-threshold* hi... and you are? *smile*

Hari Raya Aidilfitri.

21 October 2006, Saturday, 8.29am

Sweet dreams are made of this.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fyi: that was a silent scream.

I'm vexed. Totally. Stanley SOS-ed me and sought my help last night; to stay over at Punggol and help to look after the twins over the weekends. HAR?!! Pay me well to be a nanny then. I find it rather ridiculous and incredibly unbelievable. Since when does an uncle of a nephew/niece have to take over the duties over weekends to babysit? Really, I find this hard to stomach. I have been an easy guy who gives in whenever I can, but today, I totally boo-ed the idea of nannying over the weekends. Yes, say I'm a selfish bitch or bastard, but I am not compromising my weekends to confining myself to 4 walls and 2 babies. Well, if that was a job, I will take it with stride, but since it's not, what the heck, no one robs my precious and valuable time on weekends. Weekdays are already taxing with heavy armour shields at work, no way am I not stripping down those metal shields to lighten my wellbeing. Occasion helpouts are fine with me, but don't set rules and mandate to fix it on every weekends. Duh. I'm now having this construction in my mind weighing between being supportive to family and my own life. Should i say "oh ok, I'll come over to help" or "sorry, but I have my own life to lead"? See, this is the life dilemma that we face each day. I think I have done my part as an uncle, the rest is up to the father. Uncle Beng has his limits too. You hear me?

I used to be suave in my time management. When I was at my late teens and early 20s, I could just pack and go, and was always focus in achieving my goals. But lately, I really seem to be having problems in getting things moving forward. No doubt, as I add on my age every year, I also add on burdens and commitments. And needless to say, commitments are the road blocks to my sauveness. Stayed up late last night, I pondered and microsoft-excelled the things that happened in the past six years since I started contributing CPF full time, so I did my excel wizard: the line graph shows a gradual declining trend of my achievements. *shake head* The pie chart reflects the decreasing fraction of happiness that I found over the years. *OMG* And the bar chart reflects the plunging percentage of effort I made to find my true love. *sob sob* I was hopeless. As you can see, I have been living in Annie Lennox's lyrics "Sweet dreams are made of this, who am I to disagree? I travel the world and the seven seas. Everybody's looking for something....." Time to vanquish the dreams and get down to earth, dude.

Last night when I was at East Coast beach, I couldn't help but to feel how deprived I have been, deprive of all of the above mentioned. When I heard the waves crashing against the breakwater, I wished the waves could wash away my feelings too. Recounting my past six years was exhausting but realising. I have wasted six years of youth and no happiness. A failed relationship. No signs of true love. An eye opening to what kind of friends I have. Amazing. I can hear my whitelighter telling Beng Beng to risk his next step forward in search of his happiness and achievement starting now at 9.42am. Well, the journey to the West begins.

So tennis lesson's coming to an end, 3 more lessons to go. Vincent thinks we have reached our stage where we can play independently. I think otherwise. I haven't been playing well for the past sessions, I thought. And, he raised the subject of terminating his service since he sees no value for his teachings when we have reached to a stage of what he believed that we can walk on our own. Now is the time to really think through, how superior we want to proceed with tennis, that is, what are we trying to gain out of engaging Vincent further when we already knew the fundamental strokes. Will regular practice without Vincent be able to achieve the standard that we want, or hope? The next thing I knew, French elementary class ended on Wednesday. We agreed to apply for a sabbatical break till 2007 before we enrol for intermediate. Question is, how fluent do we want ourselves to be in French? Do we still need it when we already know the basics? Will we speak use francais when we see a French, or do we just use the classic "vous parlez anglais?" Decisions, decisions, decisions. Merde!

A full Saturday ahead of me, and I shall log off now, in search of my life. I hope when the haze clears up, I will be able to uncover my destiny. The destiny of Destiny.

Good Deepavali 2006.

19 October 2006, Thursday, 20.13pm

The ministry of agony.

My ears were tuning in to Escape Club's 'I'll be there' while on my way home, and somehow this melody triggered my emotions to run wild. I started to feel emotional, so much so I felt my tears trickling down at the back of my eyeballs. I wasn't crying, I was just tearing from within. Depression. Perhaps. 'I'll be there' was also the song that was aired in Rockhamption's frequency when I caught the sun rising from the Pacific Ocean's horizon. I was with Alvin, spending the moments experiencing the silence at 5 in the morning spotting for the sun's movement. It was holistic, and spiritual.

SY counted my blessings in life and she listed 12 hits. All equitably countable. Thanks mate. hmm... but none was compelling enough to make me non-suicidal. Counsel me.

When the dumbwaiter delivered my trust this afternoon. I felt for the moment, so touched and honoured. Seriously. I couldn't help but feel that I was so much trusted by a friend. Cloud 9, but this humpty dumpty had a great fall. Esctatic to feel befriended, but down with the truth. I admire hands down, the courage of a friend after the ABCs were laid down clearly in front of me. I don't know how would I react to the situation if it was me instead. I can't say i understand how she felt, but ironically and spiritually, I believe in her feels. I have been seeing neurologists for my tension migraine, and after 2nd opinion from Dr Sheila, it brought light to me that if it was a tumour, it would have developed to something malignant by now. For years, I have always thought there could be possibilities of some tumour or growth, what happened if it really was ... you know, human minds are really powerful . We let our imaginations flow like a river and explode like a volcano. "Chasing Daylight - Gene O'Kelly" a true life account of KMPG's CEO who passed away (with cancer) having not completed the book, taught me countless of life experiences. Like the moments in life, the bond of kinship and friendship, the value of belief and the power of moving on. He, who persevered to the last breath, command every bits of respect I have for him. Likewise to you, my dear friend, kudos to yourself for battling the frontier. I am proud and honoured to have a friend like you.

Let's end this page with a phrase which you made the effort to share with me, from Rick Warren's... ... ... ...

(The things that we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things that we can't see now will last forever. 2 Corinthians 4:18b)

11 October 2006, Wednesday, 11.19pm

R21

...... ..... .... .. ..... ..... ....... ........... .. . . .. Ok, I am just bored and playing with dots and space-bar ..... ..... ....... ...... .... . Filled my tummy with Chinese linguine aka bee hoon. Late dinner after class. My appetite seems to grow, not that I eat a lot each time, but my number of meals start to increase each day, like 5 times instead of my usual breakfast, lunch and dinner? Maybe because I have been doing cardio over lunches these days. My last weightage was 57.4kg. Bad, malnutrition. This man-boy is growing his appetite yet he is underweight and he is god-damn-skinny. Great. Antidote to this? Sex-a-donut-cardiology.

Tonight's class was horrible-cum-fun. From the moment we stepped foot into the class, it was oral and more oral and nothing but oral, and the moment when you spoke your share, you could not help to orgas, a sigh of relief and satisfaction. Can't believe I have come this far, being able to understand basic French and knowing the frenchie stuff. French fries, french cap, french kiss - I knew it all! Haha... erh... huh? Actually, reading back the former sentences sounds like I am kinda feeling horny? Let's see, cum+oral+orgas+french-cap+french kiss. Truly indeed. 5 related sexual items on the paragraph. Very mature themed.

C'est le temps pour practiquer francais avant le exam sur mercredi prochain. Depuis il y a trois jour, je n'ai pas assez sommeil. Mes yeux ne pouvent pas ouvrir chaque matin. Je me leve tard a huit heure tous les matin, mais je toujours n'ai pas le energie pour travailler. J'arrive au bureau tard aussi. Dans l'apres midi, j'aurais fatiguee. C'est bizarre. Bien sur, je fais du footing parfois pendent dejeuner. Toute le monde dit que exercise est bonne pour sante, mais je ne le pense pas. Regarde-moi, pas un bonne exemple. Alors, ce soir j'ai achete deux CD de francais. Les titles sont C.R.A.Z.Y et Russion Dolls. Russian Dolls est le sequel d' Appartement d'Espanol. Tres sympa et interessant. J'aime beaucoup ca. Actuellement, je crois que je n'ai pas le temps pour regarder ces deux CDs. Pourqoui? Parce que le weekend est normalement occupee pour moi: faire du tennis, voir une film, barvarder avec mes amis, en boite parfois, beaucoup beaucoup trop activites. ooh la la... Mon dieu, c'est deja minuit! Je me couche maintenant. J'ecrirais a moi encore quand je suis libre. Merde, je passerai exams francais mercredi prochain.... ne t'inquete pas.. ... mais j'espere que je le ferai bien!.... on verra!

A la prochaine.

8 October 2006, Sunday, 12.13pm

Hazy me

Everybody is talking about the haze, and everyone is affected by the haze too. But really, the burned filthy air is a turn off to make the effort to take the step out of the threshold. The joy ride home this late evening breezed through a thick haze which was so unbearable. Wheezing pass the Sheares Bridge seeing fuzzy flicker lights of vessels was such a letdown too. That is my favourite highway with excellent views of the sea and horizon, but just not the chance to see that tonight. So, the PSI reads 145 on TV. Stay indoor and avoid outdoor sports, says the government. Maybe a good chance for make-out sessions for the couples? Haze aside, I am affected by the feeling called mood, too. I cannot explain why, but it just felt like the withdrawal symdrome of prozac. Depression? Slightly, maybe. It is the emptiness in me that feels so uncomfortable. Unexplainable. Perhaps, it is an accumulated and bottled up feeling. The fact that i have not taken any break since my reservist in July; after the trauma, and suffering from post-traumatic tremble that causes the nervous breakdown mentally? Ought to be.

So i heard that RI teaches philosophy as a subject in school. That is interesting! I also found a philosophy teacher who agrees to impart me the skills and knowledge about being philosophical. I cannot wait to start my lessons and also to take on the challenge of writing into the art of philosophy.....

Sigh, I am depressed, I am bored and lonely, and I am unfeelingly down. And I am not so text savvy tonight. Let me just sleep this over. Goodnight Mr Depression.