23 September 2007, Sunday, 3.31pm

Panic button activated.

Well, the anticipated Bintan retreat ended on Thursday evening with Williams throwing up at the Tanah Merah jetty. Oh, or rather it ended up with Clonts, Lewinsky, Lee and myself at the East Coast Food Village for dinner and closure. Not sure about the rest, but I thought the retreat turned out rather quite interesting and fun for me. I enjoyed myself, and of course, I saw the other side of some of my colleagues too, mainly with the works of alcohol. But it does sound silly and strange to know that we were at a beach resort and yet we had not a chance to touch the sea. Whatever.

It was also my virgin hands-on on lazer quest (think paint ball but no balls but lazer) at Bintan, and hell I had so much fun at it! Braxton and I were really such cartoon characters when we screamed and fired at each other. We laughed so hard that I couldn't believe it was me laughing ... So me, Lewinsky and Barlow were defeated by Lee, Braxton and Harn. Damn it! I thought my team was quite tough, but the red team proved us wrong totally.

Then there was Silk, the new disco at Bintan Lagoon Resort. It was pathetically quiet on a Wednesday night, but it was liven up by TSD for all we know! Two jugs of Long Island did the magic of making everyone there at cloud 11. There was the rendition of Bono's With or Without You by Barlow on stage and everyone swooned and cheered with the band jamming away. I wished I could dance then, but I was really wasted then. Not totally intoxicated, but more like physical impaired due to the build-up head pain, which caused me to be rather sedated somehow. I mean, I'm on medication for chronic tension headache, which means, I shouldn't be drinking at all. But I had a go with the Long Island since everyone was in the mood to get high. I shouldn't, I know. I could jolly well get cardiac arrest for the drug and alcohol mixture, but I guessed I know my limits? This is so hard to explain to friends why I am not taking alochol since army days. Seriously, I never knew SH could go so wild, and Doreen to be a super Lian, and Barlow to be vocal too. Hmm, hidden talents. I love to people watch, and observe how people behave to different environment and situation. I just find this whole gesture and emotion thingy amazing and intrigue.

Bryant slipped and fell last night. He suffered a deep cut and Stanley had to call for an ambulance to send him in to KK. Heard that he was bleeding profusely and dripping all over the house. Poor boy. Nothing unusual, the family's radar was activated, and I was mobilised too and recalled back to send mom to Punggol and then head to KK for support. How drama. Does it in any way sound like Brothers & Sisters TV drama to you? A little? You don't know how sad I was when I saw Bryant at the hospital. He was shivering in fear and sobbing in pain. Dr Adaline Dave gave boy a ketamine shot to sedate him so that she and the nurses can stitch up the wound. The whole procedure was so teary for me, I was fighting my tears when Bryant started to feel the effect of the ketamine on him. Stupid doc did not forewarn us that his eyelids will not close up when the drug took effect on him till we saw Bryant looking dazed and froze with his eyes wide open. We were frightened and honestly, my heart skipped more than a beat when that happened. That moment, I was praying to all Gods in heaven for his well being. It was really painful for me to eye those moments. Yes, call me a sissy or whatever, but I am powerfully weak and emotional when it comes to hospital, blood and needles. We are talking about human and flesh afterall, how not to feel the hurt? I do. So we stayed in the hospital till 3am, waiting for the slight rashes and blush to subside, and for Bryant to be fully awake and conscious before discharging from KK. Thank all Gods of all forms in heaven for his speedy recovery.

While waiting for Bryant at the waiting room, Stanley brought up a subject that made me rather mad over dialling 995. It was understood that he was put on hold for minutes when he punched 995 for an ambulance. He was on an automated voiceover, that repeated itself before he got cut off the line. He followed up with a second call but to get an engage tone. 995? Engaged tone? "Call for emergency - 995" tagline, and all we get is a voiceover and engaged tone? And with the minutes and seconds of delay from these calls, we had to foot a fucking bill of $75 for their inability to increase ambulances and operators on standby? Now, I'm furious. We are not talking about life and death today, but I wonder what about the others who might need that special minute and second to stay alive? Time is essential. Time is precious. We need the moments of time, but is all ruined by just these three digits, 9-9-5. We are not in California with a massive state, neither are we in Siberia with limited telephone access... but we are just in a small island of 704 sq kilometres. That's a shame to know our incompetence in this area of efficiency. I need explanation on this.

11 September 2007, Tuesday, 11.01am

Gaining an ounce of muscle?

I couldn't help but to stare at the weighing machine hard this morning after working out in the gym! I am now weighing 60.2 (before meals)!! Congratulations dude! Never once in the history had I exceeded 60kg! Great effort. The question now would be, is this purely fats or muscles that has been added? I wish for the latter. Like what I told my friends, I'm not so bothered about my waistline being 32, 33 or even 35 inches, I just wish and hope for a flat, hard six packs. Those that you see in Men's Health? Those kick-ass washboards that will make your androstenedione gushes thru your blood veins! No kidding. And I am so working towards that now, with regular morning gym. The only deterrent at this point is perhaps the abstinence from fried and calories high delicacies.... I'm certain that this will lead to food craving and thus heavy indulge, hence I go easy with my food on weekends. And thanks to Clement, he has been reminding me about my diets, just so to remind me to achieve my dreamzzzzz....ie, the washboard body!

Can't believe how thrilled I am to gain that extra ounce. Really. But I still don't see much improvement in my abs area though. I don't measure it with a measuring tape, of course, but constant glare in the mirror shows me nil reduction of the love handles. Am still seeing that hideous bulge at my tummy; that grumpy lump of stubborn lard hovering my 28" waist, which adds another 3" and makes it 31" as my resident waistline. Fucking hell!

I shall crunch harder and increase my strides on the treadmill....Hmm.... maybe I should give myself a timeline? Beng, how about seeing the silhouette of the six packs by end October? Deal? You got it, deal!

In memories of the victims of September 11, 2001:
The unforgetful pain that caused us the insane
We will however keep walking strong and brave down the lane
The Lord who He makes us at ease
will guide and shower us with peace
I know Evil will certainly be seized
and triumph will be released
May the innocence rest in peace

9 September 2007, Sunday, 12.56am

Tuesdays with Morrie, an old man, a young man, and life’s greatest lesson - Completed

When I was at my last few chapters of the book, I didn’t want to complete the story actually. I didn’t want Morrie to die. I want to “discuss” or rather read more of his teachings of life. Even though I was never acquainted to him in any way, I can connect with him as a great listener and a fantastic teacher. He taught Albom his philosophies till his last days in bed. How touching. They discussed mundane issues and things that are so relevant to everyday life. He taught me a lot through those 192 pages. As much as I would love to self deny and have Morrie alive in my heart, I still completed the book. Clearly, he taught me how to move on, and though moving on and leaving behind the past is tough, one can’t just stop the time tick-tocking and stand still at that moment. Moments are there to cherish and not there to stay forever. At least, that’s how I define ‘moments’.

First Tuesday – The World
The world is a vast mass of land I call Earth. The world which everyone knows, where evil meets the saints, the poor meets the rich, the hunks meet the babes…. . The paradise which God created with Adam and Eve, have now transformed into the world we now know as Earth, and an Earth of Love and Sin.

Second Tuesday – Feeling sorry for yourself
Self pity? Don’t do that, in fact never do that. Let people feel sorry for you, but never feel sorry for yourself. Never bring yourself down by self pity. It will only dampen your spirit. What's there to be sorry anyway? You answer for all your actions, so don't feel sorry but think before you do.

Third Tuesday – Regrets
There are a handful of regrets in my life actually. For one which came flashing through my mind now is why didn't I step my feet out to Jame Cook University when I graduated from TP. I could have. But I chose not. Maybe I was young then, and I didn’t have much directions to make the appropriate and futuristic decision. Regret, a word that makes people reflect the past constantly, but also a chance for you to improve and plan your life ahead in a more decisive manner to avoid additions of regrets.

Fourth Tuesday – Death
I fear the word death. In reality, I fear of funerals too. There are many times when I can take five and think of my last breath as a human being. Will it be gasping for air and feel the pain around my chest due to suffocation? That’s how people die, don’t they? I hate the thought of thinking the last breath that I inhale before I cross over.

Fifth Tuesday – Family
This topic was covered pretty much in the previous logged in. As mentioned once, my family is closely knitted somehow. We live in a village and we move like a tribe.

Sixth Tuesday – Emotions
That’s probably my last name. I am hell one of those emotional kuku who always let my heart rules over my brain.

Seventh Tuesday – The fear of aging
Embrace aging. In theory, as we age, we gain knowledge too. I think as we add 'one' to our age each year, it means absolutely nothing but addition. In fact, I find aging as one of the most bizarre twist in life. Some people look older as we thought they can be, and then there are some who look young but hyperthetically immature to many extend... so then, what does this mean? Does it mean addition of age = knowledge? Not necessary.

Eighth Tuesday - Money
Face it, no money no talk. We see in the papers how money is so influential to make a family member suing the other family member out of inheritance. We also hear of bribery, corruptions, fraud, debt, loansharks, all in the name of money. Money is powerful. It brings you heaven and hell, and to many others, it brings them happiness too. How sad to know that we are so manipulated by money.

Ninth Tuesday – How love goes on
This somewhat ties with emotions. I can’t really pledge for my love now. As a loser without any lover, who am I to say my love goes on? Well, you know, I ain’t Celine Dion either.

Tenth Tuesday – Marriage
I love to live in a fairytale where everything seems so sweet as a couple. The sweet nothings and love making session in a marriage are always incredibly satiable and hormones raging in a fairytale too. How nice. Hope mine will become a true-life story to be told some day.

Eleventh Tuesday – Culture
We are who we are and a huge percentage of us are actually molded by our own culture. And my culture is? Respect thyself before you respect the others.

Twelfth Tuesday – Forgiveness
Sure, to forgive someone takes a lot of pride and acceptance. Just like my love and hate relationship with my dad, certainly, I forgive him for all his errs, but I doubt I can forget them too.

Thirteenth Tuesday – The Perfect Day
The day when you found your trueself and moment of mements, that’s my perfect day.

Through this book, I take away with me a handful of memorable thoughts and emotions, which I truly treasure and appreciate. It touches my heart 100% and I must say, a book well written, Albom. Thank you.

Thank you Matthew James for introducing Albom’s art pieces to me and of course, a big thank you to Lillian Clonts for the lovely Borders Christmas gift card that encouraged me to pick a book from the Borders library.

In memory of a great teacher:
Fate succumbs many a species: one alone jeopardizes itself – W. H. Auden
Love each other or die – Morrie Schwartz