30 January 2008, Wednesday, 1506hrs

Brokeback Mountain encored A tribute to Ennis Del Mar

So it was the news about Heath Ledger passing on last week, and so happened that I was catching his legendary episode of the Brokeback Mountain over the last weekend too. And guess what? I actually paid more attention and details to the conversations and screen acts.

And these are two new discoveries that I picked up over the second watch-over last weekend which I never did in my first time.

The ranch
So, says Senior Jack Twist that Jack had always wanted to bring someone with him to the countryside to build a ranch; Ennis had always being Jack's preference (but of course), but that did not quite happen. I mean, yes the ranch was built but it was not with Ennis. So according to Senior JT, someone was with Jack. I have this strong sense that it was with that guy whom he met at the ball; the guy whose wife has the the-one-way-to-stop-me-from-talking-is-to-stick-a-dick-in-me look, ie, the guy who sat outside the party house with Jack (on a bench) and who reviewed that they should be together instead (of the wives).

The lost-and-found shirt
Ennis found a shirt which he lost (while at Brokeback) at Jack's hidden corner; with Jack's blue denin-lookalike shirt enveloping the lost shirt. The ending was seen and realised by me that Ennis turned it the other way round instead, ie, the lost shirt over the blue one, before he uttered "Jack, I swear".

Now, there are many ways to interpret this "Jack, I swear" statement at the end of the show.
Andy-a-la-Ennis: I swear that I will "take care" of you for the rest of my life.
Beng-a-la-Ennis: I swear that I will bring you back to Brokeback where we belonged (Senior Jack Twist wanted the late Jack to be buried with the family's line of grave if you can still recall).

The last minute decision to the movie was somehow pleasant, I say. Sweet feeling.

22 January 2007, Tuesday, 2234hrs

The last hours of being 29

I have been depressed for more than a week now, nothing can quite describe my feelings actually. Prozacs used to help calm my nerves a little but never my inner self. I guess I have reached another level of life. Quarter life crisis. Perhaps. Seriously? This makes me reflect many things in life. Being a manboy for this long, I must say that the last few days being 29yo hit me the hardest. Hard enough that an episode of Brothers & Sisters made my tears waterfalled down my cheeks and a running river going through my nose. Actually, I thought I was better last Saturday morning when Sunday evening knocked on my door to present me the super-down symdrome again. Closed friends suggested gymming and chocolates but I guess the supposed endorphins through the two sources didn't quite release much enough to neutralise my depression cells still. Now, I nearly forgot about what Gene O'Kelly taught me about moments. I should learn to treasure and savour moments more than hoping for eternity in any form of relationships, which I had always been blindly guided by myself. Am I still?

Perhaps, just returning from France, I am now hinging on and influenced by the French culture of being once invaded and to resurrect again, ie, the French Renaissance?

I was just explaining to Frances over the weekend that I had been planning for a birthday bash for myself when I cross over to 30 in the coming 23rd Jan, ie a few hours from now. But since last year, as I was just a month or two away from 23 January, things happened. Mr Destiny shattered my 30th birthday before it even comes around. Mom had to go for surgery around the week of my birthday and friends are either too tied with dollars or tied up with their own schedules. My plans for renting a yacht and a short trip to BKK for a sex romp all came tumbling down. Don't get me wrong, I am not disappointed at all, just that I thought it's probably God's will that my birthday plans will not materialise since I am likely to stay home and make hospital visits then. In fact, I must say thank God that nothing materialise for now, else I'd be caught in quite a mess with dates and arrangements.

Nonetheless, I have taken the day off tomorrow, either to Bedok Reservoir to look for Stella and Fu Gui whom I set free in the reservoir 5 years ago, or do some quiet reading at Borders at Parkway Parade. Anyways, I have an appointment with Dr Johari at 10.30am, so I guess my day will fix at Parkway or East Coast to enjoy the breeze, and hopefully, the breeze will blow my depression away.

Have been tuning my head and ears with Apologise (One Republic) and if there was ever a chance, I'd rename the song as 'Too late'. Check out the lyrics below, and you may agree with me too. And before you do, I'd like to say to those and many people out there not to take things for granted. Believe things happen for a reason. Seriously. Woon Beng doesnt quite believe in karma till it hits me back many times lately. I blame myself for being so anal in many ways and being so naive in many situations too. I hope to learn from these lessons and one day, I hope to be able to share my life experience with someone too.

The Diving Bell and The Butterfly moved me to tears last evening. Jean-Dominique Bauby, your persistence in life indeed touched my heart in every corner and it proves to me again that while I have been naughty in many ways over the past single years, I have neglected moments with my loved ones, and wasting time harping on the impossible. I was fooled by Stupidity. Blinded by my heart.

I guess Fate brings me to Jean-Do to realize that I have been foolish to get myself depress over the past weeks and I should enjoy life the way it is before life changes for some reason. Rhett was right too, maybe things are meant to be this way for me now. Just move along in life and see how it moves while I do the things I love to do.

I am left with 58 mins of 29 years old. And shortly, I’ll be gluing myself to TV to catch Grey’s Anatomy and hopefully, I can do another bucket of tears so that I can just stop the depression for now and move on to a brand new start tomorrow. We’ll see.

Happy 30th Birthday to myself and Happy Birthday Ian. Goodbye 20s…

One Republic - Apologise
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGPUuPHdHQg
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say Sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you,
But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground

6 January 2008, Sunday, 2206hrs

Happy Birthday Chloe.

Today's little Chloe's birthday and also the first day of my journal in 2008. So, songs were sang, a 3kg Swenson cake was cut (though it felt like cutting through a block of boulder), pictures were taken and buffet was well-spread and eaten. I thought Chloe was exceptionally happy today. All smiley and wearing that cheeky I'm-receiving-so-much-ang-baos-today-hehe-hehe look. So cute. But things well smoothly and well. As usual, I had to do my PR thing with those aunts whom I hardly talked and hate, but as what it is, this is what it means by PR.

So my France trip was fabulous though it can be better. I must say French men and women are much more gorgeous looking than I thought. I never knew they could be so charming, and especially when they start chanting their vous-vous lingo, my heart tells me I should lose my passport to be in the vous-vous country forever then. There are many nice sceneries and countless castles to see and one just never can get enough. All with its own charm and superb story to tell. Sweet. Mont St. Michel is one which really caught my breath when I first saw it from afar in my coach. Enchanting and stunning. It really wows me till today. Damn huge fortress that was built in during the war between England and France and is surrounded by the sea during high tide. Really breathtaking.

The only thing that upsets me from this trip is that I lost my gold necklace there. I had no idea when it dropped off from my neck, I searched through my room and I never found it back. This jewellery was from my mom since my kindergarten days. It is something which comes with a priceless value in this respect, and I lost it. What a shame. Mom didn't reprimand me actually, and surprisingly, she said she wanted to buy me one to replace the lost piece. I'm touched and guilty to death. I like the idea of receiving a necklace from my loved one so that I can wear it close to my heart. I would like her to 're-buy' another piece, but it pains me if she has to pay for it though. Contradiction.

I'm not in a happy mood today anyway, so I shall keep today's writing short. Too many things going around my head. Too many birthday dinner dates to remember. Too many entangled love-of-the-heart-matters-and-affairs that set into me big time. I'm just thinking too much. Aquarian, too troubled in many ways and time.

Happy birthday, my beloved niece, Chloe, may you grow up to be an obedient and lovable princess - Uncle Beng.